BIRDEMIC: Shock and Terror. The Lazlo's Closet Exclusive Review

UPDATE: The following review has been changed from its original post. Screen captures from the film to help the reader visualize the film have been removed (by the director's request) and replaced with artistic interputations of scenes through pencil drawings by a 10 year old child.

.

WARNING! The following review may frighten you. If you are easily disturbed by hovering, menacing and sometimes exploding eagles, then STOP READING NOW! If not, please enjoy the review and as Sammy L. said back at the Park, "Hold on to ya' butts."...

Toxic poop, Ya'll!

So, if you're not one of the lucky few who has seen this film or anyone involved in the production (shoutout!), then you may be asking yourself one simple question. What is Birdemic? From an intellectual standpoint (which is something that we've never been too fond of here at Lazlo's Closet), I can only assume it's an epidemic involving birds who may or may not spontaneously combust. From a physical standpoint, it's a DVD with the title scribbled on it by way of medium point Sharpie. From a motion picture standpoint, Birdemic is a film so bad that it may cause permanent blindness. It may also cause night sweats, narcolepsy, sleep murder or cause you to stir up a fresh batch of the "Kool-Aid", just so you can drink it and get you some of that Jonestown sleep. It's also a film that has potential for absolute fucking greatness. That's right, I said it. Greatness. Try and stop me.

The film starts off with a long driving montage with the D.P. riding shotgun and apparently having a whale of a time keeping the shot framed and upright. The films opening credits then roll, looping the same 55 second piece of music, over this oddly angled frame of scenery and traffic. It is then that we meet our hero, Rod (Alan Bagh), a driver of blue Mustangs and all around regular Joe. He stops into a small diner where from above his menu, he sees fashion model and all around hottie Natalie (Whitney Moore). The film then quickly has the two meet and exchange numbers in an outdoor scene in dire need of character chemistry and ambient sound continuity.

Do you think those birds may explode later in the film?

After a home scene with Rod where we set up how animals are being affected by global warming (Foreshadowing? The hell you say!), we are treated to Rod and Natalie at work. She's at a photo shoot and he's reeling in fish at a sales job - and how he condenses a 2 minute real life phone conversation into 15 seconds is truly the shiz. Then, in no particular order, they have dinner, they say goodnight, they talk to friends about one another, Rod drives around a lot, unnecessary crap happens, they continue working, Natalie get a modeling gig, Rod drives around some more, did I mention unnecessary crap, Rod gets solar panels installed on his roof, Natalie introduces Rod to her mom, Rod gets 10 million dollars for his solar panel startup and then they have another date. Which leads to the love scene.

It was at this point in the film when I paused it and looked at my DVD counter. I was 40 minutes into the film. 40 minutes! And all 40 minutes of the first third of the film, was nothing but set up for the love story between Rod and Natalie. And of those 40 minutes, approximately 10 minutes of screen time was apparently set aside for driving. And of those 40 minutes, sans a dead CGI eagle on the beach, I'm 40 minutes into a film called Birdemic: Shock and Terror and there's not one fucking bird to be found. I almost threw up my hands and stopped it, but I had come this far. I decided to give it 20 more minutes. And in the history of good decisions, that one has to be at least top 5.

The Hovering Menace

Which leads us BACK to the love scene. After the date, they apparently decide to get a motel room to consummate the evening, even though they both have their own places (because nothing says I love you like knocking it down in a motel). And then after the extremely awkward, uncomfortable love scene where Natalie is in her underwear, but Rod makes the call to keep on the tank top and pants. And then and only then, after we fade out from the motel, do we cut to one of the greatest scenes in the history of cinema. Birds suicide bombing the city. And exploding. I have now completely forgiven the first 40 minutes of the film.

They blowed up real good!

After Natalie gets up and declares that they are being attacked by eagles, they board up 3/4 of the motel window and wait. Rod later checks the window and exclaims "They're gone.". When Natalie asks why did they stop, Rod answers "I don't know. Maybe they got tired.". And from that awesome line of dialogue on, everything that happens may be some of the silliest, craziest, most absurd scenes ever put to film or HD videotape. (And I'm a huge Warrior fan!)

They leave the motel and randomly knock on a door, finding the young couple Ramsey (Adam Sessa) and Becky (Catherine Batcha) who have a van and offer them a ride. Ramsey offers all coat hangers for protection from the "eagles" as they run to the van. Once in the van, Ramsey begins to shoot at the birds with an M-16 that he, thank Christ, had stashed in his van for a rainy day.

No wire hangers!!!!

After finding two children, Susan (Janae Caster) and Tony (Colton Osborne), alive on the shoulder of the road, this rag tag group of young adults and children drive around and fire at screeching eagles, with absolutely no regard for any form of suspense, horror, thrills or clips of ammunition. From here, SPOILER ALERT! they meet a bird scientist who explains to them that it's not the bird's fault, it's mankind's fault - those (us) dirty bastards - and a self proclaimed "tree hugger" that explains his theory of why the "eagles" are attacking (SPOILER ALERT! Okay, pssst! I think it has something to do with them being pissed at cars and gas stations. Seriously! No, I am serious! I'm not fucking with you!).

So, after close to 5 thousand bullets fired, many o' deaths in ways that I promise will make you smother your face in a pillow, Alan Bagh's insane line delivery and scenes that will make you look to your friend/wife/husband/significant other for confirmation that what you just saw truly happened, you are exhausted when you finally get to the final scene in Birdemic. The ending makes no actual sense and technically answers nothing, except who survives, which kinda sucked and made me want to friggin' throw something at the television. But then I thought of the sum of this films parts - like when they were parked on the side of the road and Ramsey awakes and asks Rod "Where's Becky?" and he answers, "She's taking a shit." - I smiled with a childlike giddiness and all is forgiven.

Actual scene where "she's taking a shit" line delivered

So, after all is said and done, you still may be asking yourself - What is Birdemic? Well, honestly, Birdemic is a straight up train wreck. As a serious film, which since it was brought to Sundance in an attempt to be sold is the only way one can initially take it, Birdemic misses the proverbial boat in every possibly way. From the jump cuts to the ambient sound volume, to the awful dialogue, nonsensical story, stiff acting and laughable CGI - it just doesn't work as a serious film. So, who's to blame? When dealing with an independent film, privately financed and working from a script that was concieved and written by the director, it can only fall completely on the person who's hands were in every aspect of the process. And in this case is the director James Nguyen.

Upon first viewing, I thought the acting was atrocious. But upon the second viewing, I realized that the acting was not nearly as bad as I once thought. It was the directing that was atrocious. You see, when a director is working with actors that have little to no experience, it is so important to work very closely with them to help mold the performance. And when you allow your lead actor to rip through a phone conversation with little or no pause, that's the directors job to, well direct! Take the film The Commitments. Director Alan Parker used first time actors for every singer in the actual band. Could you tell? That's because he's a good director.

.

I felt that of the lead actors, Whitney Moore actually gave a decent performance after some early scene slip-ups where jitters may have still been a factor. And there was no chemistry between her and Bagh, which made the entire first 40 minutes really almost a waste. You just don't buy it. But there were times throughout the film, like scenes with the kids and with her mom, where she seemed more comfortable and the performance showed. The rest of the cast, for the most part, handled their parts the best they could with crap dialogue. Well, except for Bagh, whose timing and delivery was completely off the entire movie. Some of that falls to Nguyen, but his performance was by far the most wooden and least believable.

Good. Bad. We're the people with this gun.

.

And finally, the CGI in this film is truly what makes it the film that it is. It gives it it's life. The "eagles" are so unrealistic as they hover in front of buildings, gas stations or motor vehicles. When the camera moves, the birds move with it as if they were attached to the lens. And don't even get me started on the suicide bombing birds that explode throughout the city, airplane engine sounds trailing humorously behind. It's the CGI that takes what would have been just a bad movie experience - one that would be lost the minute the film ended - and turns it into some kind of surreal, existential, out of body film experience that you will long never forget. And some of you may remember my review on The Warrior, well this experience trumps it hands down. If Birdemic: Shock and Terror is ever released on DVD, which I feel it is destined to be, this is truly a film that cannot be missed. And for a film named Shock and Terror, the film is neither shocking nor terrifying, but it is film that is destined for greatness among film classics like Manos and Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Was there any good in here? Well, amongst all the shit piled high in this film, it is obvious that director Nguyen at least technically knows what he's supposted to do with a camera. Every scene was very well lit and all the dialogue, sans a car scene or two, was always at good volume and audible. He had good movement of the camera in dolly/steady-cam shots and used good composition in some of his frames. But then he would go and move the camera and miss the moving car or linger for way too long on shots- shit like that. And we all know no one sets out to make an awful film. Sometimes you hit the target and other times you miss the target, the wall and shatter the window three feet away.

.

But finally brave reader, humor me an epilogue. There's a film called And God Spoke... that came out in the way back 90's. It's a mockumentary chronicling two independent filmmakers plights in adapting the most famous rights free book in history. The Bible. In it's entirety (I believe their first draft of the script was over 2000 pages). And from pre-production all the way to premier, everything that can go wrong does from forgetting the correct number of disciples to running out of money and turning to product placement. In one of the best scenes, Sid Ceasar as himself is cast as Moses and when he comes down the mountain, he dishearteningly delivers his line, "I give you these ten commandments...and this six pack of Pepsi.". When the film is completed and premiers, the reviews are awful but the film quickly finds a cult audience and becomes the next Rocky Horror. So, I guess you see where I'm going with this...

So, don't fret all ye lovers of film young and old, if this film catches on the way it possibly could and should, to quote Branagh in Dead Again, "This is all...far from over." So, keep your eyes peeled and queue's at the ready, because the day may be coming. James Nguyen's BIRDEMIC may not have Moses offering a six pack of soda to the Israelites, but it does have all the makings of a cult classic dying to find it's audience.