The Third Dimension

Yes, 3-D's back, Ya'll. We’ve got us some Monsters vs. Aliens coming up, My Bloody Valentine's out for your viewing pleasure and last night one of my favorite shows, Chuck - making it the first hour long television show to run its entirety in the miracle of three dimensions. Now, as I sat with my freshly coiffed 3-D glasses, as giddy as the time I found out Rebecca Gayheart was cast in Earth 2, I was immediately teleported back to a simpler time. Back to a time when Creature from the Black Lagoon was the only game in town. Every year, when Creature announced its air date, I made God-damn-sure that my happy ass was plopped down in front of the television, cardboard glasses snugly attached to face. It was nice to revisit that time while watching Chuck, which I thoroughly enjoyed even though it didn't take full advantage of the additional dimension, but still to this day -nothing has been able to beat the greatest 3-D experience of my life. That being Disco Dolls in Hot Skin. (Cue whoosh sound.)

Blamo!

Jaws 3-D, it ain’t. Disco Dolls is to date, one of the most bizarre, awkward, uncomfortable, yet glorious film experiences that I’ve ever had at a movie theater. Why? Because instead of Jaws leaping off the screen or Jason chunking a harpoon at me, it was a full on John “The Wad” Holmes hardcore porn flick…and yes, in 3-D. Truth be told, I wanted no part in seeing this film at first. But after much discussion with my friends at work, I felt the allure was too great to pass up. A film going experience like this only comes along once in a lifetime. So the next evening after work, three of my fellow sort of friends but mostly co-workers (2 guys & a girl) and myself made our way to the uptown mini 4-plex. We grabbed popcorn and drinks and settled into 4 very uncomfortable chairs and put on our red cardboard glasses proudly marked "DEEP VISION 3-D". We were ready for the filth and the fury.

I really can't tell you what the film was about, but I believe the first 5 minutes involved a helicopter pilot, a night club and a blowjob. For the sake of this piece I could've looked it up, but seriously...what's the point? Was it erotic? No. Was it good? No, then yes - but no. Was it awkward? Sort of. I had never seen a porn in a theater before and secondly, I'm sitting next to this girl I sorta know from work. But what was funny was, after that first initial hardcore scene was over, you slowly became desensitised to the hardcore crap and then and only then, could you frolic in the awfulness that was this movie. And it was awful. But I also haven't laughed that hard during a movie since Sam Jackson's death scene in Deep Blue Sea. From the dialogue to the clothes to the music to the over abundance of hair, this was the real Boogie Nights and Chest Rockwell was nowhere to be found. And when we weren't laughing, we were talking back to the screen or just sitting in awe, mouths fucking agape (which you instinctively closed during the John Holmes 3-D scenes). It was also the most fun I'd had at a movie in a long, long time.

So after all was said and done and the awkwardness had passed, I was left with a 3-D experience that will never be matched. Not by IMAX, not by Jason's harpoon and unfortunately, not by Chuck and will never be matched until when we can start buying dreams off the street from the Magic Man himself. But until then, my red "DEEP VISION 3-D" glasses remain perched atop my computer monitor - waiting anxiously for the next challenger.

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Or at least a rerun of Monster Chiller Horror Theatre.

Oooohh! That was some spooky, sexy stuff there!