Bargin Bin Review: Kill Or Be Killed ( $1.00 )

This instalment of Bargain Bin Review is brought to you by an old ladies garage sale in my neighborhood where I discovered a fairly pristine VHS copy of KILL OR BE KILLED starring James Ryan one of my all time favorite under-rated martial arts actors. It cost me a buck, but the memories were worth, well maybe five bucks…

I have no idea what an eighty-something year old lady in the Bronx was doing with a copy of Kill Or Be Killed, but I wasn’t asking any questions.

Kill or be killed was produced in 1980 Directed by Ivan Hall who only had a handful of films to his credit after this one, including Kill And Kill Again, the more awesome sequel to KOBK. It was shot in South Africa and probably cast many if not all of their characters by trolling local Karate schools and offering them a part in a movie for a ride in the desert and lunch. Man some of these dudes are ugly, but they sure kick some ass.

Steve Chase, International Karate champion travels to the desert for what he thinks is an Olympic-style martial arts competition. His first clue that something might have been very wrong with this situation should have come to him when Baron Von Rudloff, the man who offered Steve the spot on his Karate team showed up for drills wearing a full Nazi uniform. Once Steve reports to his benefactors castle in the desert he and all the other potential contestants are put through rigorous training but are given no other information as to when the competition will begin, who they are fighting or when their contracts will end. They are basically prisoners training for a fight that may never come. Steve’s only friends in the place are Olga who I believe is the only woman in the entire place, and Chico, Von Rudloff’s dwarf assistant, Yes the Nazi has a scheming dwarven assistant… The bad guys don’t get much better than this people..

Steve and Olga escape from the castle with the help of Chico who Steve had rescued some time earlier when Ruell a psychotic fighter for Von Rudloff stole and destroyed Chico’s favorite hand puppet and proceeded to beat the hell out of him for his trouble. Now that’s just plain mean… Chico swore to help Steve however he could, So when he heard the couple wanted to escape the castle together he slipped them some info about a car that would be making a delivery that very night. Olga and Steve steal the car and drive off into the desert but soon run out of gas. Stranded in the desert with a dead VW Bug Steve Chase shows he’s as good as MacGuyver by breaking the car down to the frame, using a tarp for a sail and using wind power continue the escape.

Meanwhile we learn that the competition is a trap set by Baron von Rudloff who was indeed a German General who is still bitter over the humiliating defeat of his martial arts team at an Olympiad exhibition held in Berlin in 1941. The General claims his fighters were bought by Mr. Miyagi with a bribe of diamonds to take a fall. (no this Miyagi is not the sweet old codjer who taught Danielsan to wax a car) This Miyagi is a ruthless Japanese General who’s Karate team slammed Von Rudloff’s team before the Furer himself which resulted in Rudloff’s dishonorable discharge. Now forty or so years later Rudloff returns and tempts Miyagi with a huge diamond to come to his castle and submit to a re-match so Rudloff can regain his honor. Miyagi agrees and both men begin to build their teams. The big problem with Miyagi? The actor looks like he's only about 40 years old! What? Was he running a dojo as an infant during WWII? The writer clearly covers this casting blunder with a line from Von Rudloff as he sees his old nemesis for the first time in forty years - "Those from the Orient never seem to age..." Brilliant.

Von Rudloff sends Chico to recruit as many of the worlds best fighters but finds that most have already signed with Miyagi. In these scenes we get to see both of the films fight choreographers Stan Schmidt who returns in the sequel as “The Fly” and Norman Robinson who also returns in the sequel as Gypsy Billy these men are truly superior martial artists, though like the rest of the cast acting was definitely not at the top of their resumes. Determined to make his team the best Von Rudloff decides to get Steve back on his team at any cost so he sends Ruell to kidnap Steve’s woman and ex-team mate Olga to persuade him to come back and fight on his side. Ruell takes out Olga’s sexy blond Karate trainer, kidnaps Olga and kicks the crap out of every stick of furniture in the place leaving Steve little choice but to come back to the desert to rescue the woman he loves. Steve does indeed come back to the castle but to fight for Miyagi’s team. Now with the pawns set, the two trainers begin their game matching might against might and skill against skill with only one goal to Kill or be Killed!

Damn that pumps me up!

All in all KOBK is a fun movie that is slow in spots and ridiculous in others but defiantely has a lot of material for some good MST3K moments while you watch with friends and isn't that what bad movies are for?
I want to announce that I plan to make it my personal goal to one day see both KILL films in a double feature DVD set (and yes I am well aware I will be the only one who cares...moving on) Both films played on HBO back in the days of cable television’s infancy. They are a forgotten piece of early eighties pop culture and I think it’s about time they made a comeback. Stan Schmidt and Norman Robinson still teach Martial Arts in South Africa so a commentary track is not impossible, though the whereabouts of James Ryan are a bit of a mystery with spotty information at best on the web he will be the big challenge to hunt down, if any of our readers know where he is tell him Lazlo’s Closet wants an interview!

Keep scouring those dollar bins!