Lazlo's Celebrity Roast: Phil

Truthfully, I was going to take this post to talk about one of the greatest series finales in the history of modern television (and I'm not talking about the finale of Simon & Simon). I am talking about the gripping awesomeness that was the series finale of Battlestar Galactica. I'm an admitted geek for it, but anybody who was going to say anything about it has already said what needed to be said. Either you love it or you don't, and if you love it - you saw it. And if you saw it, you got it. Nuff said.

But, not everyday does something like a birthday come along. It's actually every 364 days - but not every 364 does one's 40th birthday come along and that's just what happened to my co-Lazlo-er Phil. So Phil just turned 40, actually last weekend, and I wanted to get some of our pals together for a little mini "Birthday Roast", Lazlo style. And due to scheduling conflicts with some of the celebrities, we had to wait until today to put it together. Late's better than never. Hope all enjoy!

The Lazlo 40th Birthday Roast: Phil

"I remember one time I asked Phil for advice on whether or not I should make Beastmaster 2. He told me there was no question - that I should do it hands fucking down. Then, we made love like two sex crazed teens in the back row of Wild Orchid. [laughs] I'm just kidding. That's only partly true, he never told me to do Beastmaster."

- Kari Wuhrer, former star tv's Remote Control

"Who? Oh, that blogger artist guy? Let me tell you, I was doing a book signing for my book Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way and he came there and got a copy. After I signed it, the crazy bastard kept asking me to take off my medieval robotic hand so he could see my stump. Then he put his video camera in my face and kept muttering shit like, "Say work shed! Say work shed!". The guy had no concept of reality. So after ten minutes of this shit, I ended up yanking the hardback from this geekboy, bitch slapping him with it -then breaking his face with my medieval robotic hand. I think he got the picture."

-Bruce Campbell, star of the Evil Dead films and Brisco County.

"I met Phil when I was touring in Germany with my singing career. He must've been following me - catching every performance because he was there every night, front row and center. One night in Munich, I pulled him on stage to dance to Flying on the Wings of Tenderness. It was like when Springsteen pulled Courtney Cox on stage for Dancing in the Dark. [sighs dramatically] It was a special night - a magical night."

-David Hasselhoff, star of Baywatch, Knight Rider and hella cool vocalist.

"The first time I met Phil was at a Sci-Fi convention. I was decked out in full Leia slave outfit, you know - and signing autographs and taking pics with fans. Phil came up and got my autograph and all was fine until he persistently kept trying to get me to drink this glass of iced tea he had brought. I declined and thanked him, but he became more insistent stating over and over "It's not laced! I swear! It's just refreshing fucking tea! Why would I put a mickie in there? There's no mickie! Just drink it, Lady!" The restraining order is still in effect. Those don't run out, do they? I should look into that."

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-Olivia Munn, co-host of Attack of the Show

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"Phil? He can suck it! He makes Mark do all BIRDEMIC stuff. I hope he dies taking a shit! I'm just kidding. Did I mention my movie is now available on DVD?"

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-James Nguyen, director of BIRDEMIC and self proclaimed "Master of the Romantic Thriller"

"I'm a comic book character. The fact that you even asked me to do this is fucking weird. And - hey, hey - the face is up here, Chief!"

-Powergirl

"We were shooting the showdown in The Karate Kid and when it was time for me to foul Daniel, the line in the script was "crush the nuts." It just didn't feel right. I mean, how dramatic is a guy with a black belt kicking his opponent in the fucking nads? Luckily, Phil just happened to be on set that day and he told me try "Sweep the leg" instead. I winged it and the rest is history. We then inducted Phil as an honorary member of the Cobra-Kai and gave him his own black satin windbreaker with our logo on the back. No mercy, Brother Phil. No mercy.

- William Zabka, Cobra Kai 4eva

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"I remember when I asked Phil if I should oil up the abs for a second Beastmaster film. I think he said something along the lines of "does the band Poison rock eternal, like in the Bible?" I think that meant yes, so I did the film. We then made love like two sex crazed teens in the back row of a matinee of Two Moon Junction. [laughs] Wait, you're not gonna print that, are you? Oh well, and feel free to use any picture from the films except for the one where I'm ass raping the black tiger. Thanks."

-Marc Singer, star of V and the Beastmaster films

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And the list goes on. So if you know Phil and have a roast, please leave it as a comment. If you don't know Phil and want to make one up, even better! Happy 40th, Bro. Gias?

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* All celebrity quotes and comments are not really the comments, thoughts, feelings and/or views of said celebrities. They were written for entertainment purposes only which to me is quite obvious, like Marc Singer would ever go see Two Moon Junction.