Strictly Badass or CAGE MATCH!

That's right, I'm doing it. I'm throwing the 80's some love. And that would be pitting a psycho super cop up against a philosophical mega bouncer. Both are savvy in the martial arts, both don't believe in pain and both have made the sex with blonde women. I mean - forget about the fact that one loves the 3 Stooges and the other doesn't own a television and one lives in a trailer and the other in a barn, because these two icons are more alike than any responsible human would have imagined (but mostly it's because they both rock a serious mullet). So in this installment, we're opening up the cage to give you: good vs. bad-good - Lethal Weapon vs. Road House. Or as they're better known...

Riggs vs. Dalton

Lethal Weapon's cop on the edge Martin Riggs and Road House's philosopher bouncer Dalton. Holy Hell, ya'll. To me, this is as close to the coolest showdown of, strictly badass apocalyptic awesomeness, like - ever. Growing up, I was a huge Lethal Weapon fan and with Road House - well, it was almost love at first sight. I mean - C'mon! When a films tag line is "It's Last Call...For Action!", I'm bear-hugging that bitch with both fucking hands. But these two duking it out, I don't know and this may be too close to call - because Riggs can snap your neck with his legs. And Dalton can be nice. Riggs can pop a cap in you from a thousand yards. And Dalton can be nice. Riggs can pull down your house with his truck. Dalton could still be nice, but by now has decided that it's time not to be nice. Here we go.

Rocky - "You wanna ring da bell?"
Apollo - "Ding...ding..."

In some kinda warped turn of events, Murtaugh's daughter Rianne gets hooked up with the son of Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara), the guy who runs the town in Road House. Wesley's son takes her to the Double Deuce and starts slipping Aqua Dots in her vodka-crans. So what happens - yep, she starts to feeling funny. Luckily, she's able to steal a moment to grab her cell and call for help, but not to her "way to old for this shit" father - but to Martin Riggs. Riggs immediately throws on his blue letter jacket from high school and guns his Chevy heavy duty to the Double Deuce. Riggs blazes through the front doors and starts going all Cobra Kai on Wesley's son. That's when Dalton gets involved. He steps in front of Riggs and asks him nicely to leave. (Why nicely? `Cause he's good people.) So, Riggs flashed his badge and says, "Police business. Get outta my way." Dalton quickly retorts, "My bar. My business.". Riggs grabs Rianne and pulls her behind him as Son of Wesley sprints for the door. "Anyway you want it, Cochise!" Riggs pulls his gun from the back of his jeans and Dalton quickly roundhouse kicks it from his hands. Dalton bum rushes Riggs and out the front door they tumble. In the parking lot, in the pouring rain (of course!), two iconic characters prepare to beat the shit out of each other as Jesus intended: by way of hands, feet and head butts.

-

So, how does this thing shake out? On the streets and in a parking lot, both men are well endowed in the arena of hand-to-hand. Dalton could take a slight edge here as he deals with unrulies and miscreants on a nightly basis. Riggs, on the other hand, could go weeks or months with out any action because he uses his gun, for the most part, to start and finish conversations. But, Dalton's fights are usually to clear a bar, whereas when Riggs is a swingin', you can bet your ass it's a life or death situation. And when you're used to fighting for your life, well...you tend to not want to lose. Both men have similar fighting styles and neither have yet to really lose a fight (getting held down by three people and pummeled or tortured vigorously does not make a loss. And you can't count Lethal Weapon 3 or 4. But that's another post).

-

Now if it was a gunfight, Dalton would be dropped faster than Biggs bailed on the Death Star. But this is not a gunfight - it's a cage match. Actually, it's a street fight, which is more appropriate for these two anyway. So in the rain, in a parking lot (or in a cage) with only their God given gifts to aid them, you have to give the advantage to Riggs. He's a cop, he's crazy and he's not afraid to use his thighs to help you stop breathing. Riggs was also in `Nam and has a special forces tattoo and Dalton has no ink what-so-ever, and as far as I know, was never in the military. And while Dalton was getting his philosophy degree learning the ideas of Nietzsche, Aristotle, and Thales, Riggs was ankle deep in the rice patties and waist deep in the shit. So, even though Dalton could attempt to philosophize in a way that may distract or bring doubt to Riggs during the fisticuffs, Riggs would just brush it off and tell Dalton about how he has this bad reputation. Winner?

-

-

Riggs in ten

Now some of you may be saying, but Dalton can't be hurt. He even said to Kelly Lynch in the movie "Pain don't hurt.". Well, pain may not hurt, but Riggs' head meeting your nose and his legs cozied up around your neck, well - will. There's no shame in losing, Dalton. The better man won this time. The better movie won. But it was a close one. Tune in next time where we set loose, firmly against the wishes of our family and clergyman, Fox Mulder and Agent Cooper to settle their differences, Thunderdome style in what could be the most passive cage match in history. Kaylee?