Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL DVD Coming Soon

The Official DVD companion to the novel Rue Morgue Magazine calls “The best fiction book of 2008” Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL, A 3-Disc Audio and Video Exploitation Extravaganza Featuring Over 7 Hours of the Most Rare and Unusual Exploitation Trailers, TV Ads and Radio Spots from the Age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!

Take a wild journey through the exploitation movie scenes of the 1970s and 1980s with this collection of hundreds of actual previews of coming attractions, television commercials and radio spots for the sleaziest, sexiest most off-the-wall films ever made; all digitally re-mastered from Original Film Elements.


Find yourself thrust into a world of madmen and ghouls, perverts and lusty ladies – and wait till you get a load of all the special extra features we’ve cooked up just for this release! Interviews, a SHOCK FESTIVAL poster, original music and a batch of specially produced trailers based on the amazing fictional b-movie worlds of Stephen Romano’s acclaimed novel, SHOCK FESTIVAL. This must-have collector’s set includes over 7 hours of amazing stuff you won’t find anywhere else! Brand New Media Inspired By the Best, Worst and most Outrageous Trailers From Horror and Exploitation!
The 2 DVD + 1 CD set is available Feb. 9th, 2010 from Bloody Earth Films

If you think you’ve seen it all, think again…

The DVD Set is PACKED with extras and I loves me them extra bits:

• Over 7 hours of the most rare and unusual exploitation trailers, TV ads and radio spots from the age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!
• Over 4 Hours of the most unique, amazing and outrageous exploitation and horror trailers from the 1970s and 1980s!
• Interview with Independent International Pictures President Sam Sherman
• Commentary tracks by Stephen Romano and Uncle Creepy www.dreadcentral.com
• Audio disc containing over 3 hours of exploitation radio spots plus original music on MP3s, ready to plug into your iPod, computer or CD player!
• Bonus Collector’s Poster with Original Artwork by artist and author, Stephen Romano!
• Shock Festival image gallery! All New Posters! Special Features!

And check out the teaser...I mean c'mon this is some cool shit! Everyone is loving the Grindhouse lately and we are so glad that Bloody Earth Films / Alternative Cinema have created such a gore filled love letter to an awesome genre.

It's Been...How Long?

Alright, alright...I know - and please no yelling. But yes we - um - suck. But you gotta understand, there has to be a perfectly understandable excuse for why we haven't posted a flippin' thing since August. Right? But before I get to that, did I mention that we suck?

So, due to the overwhelming amount of non-blog related projects before Phil and I, unfortunately something had to give. Not give up on, just give like when you want to watch Fanboys but based on a special intuition you have you end up with the new Matt McConaughey dramedy? Yes, just taking a little breather to get caught up on all those loose ends out there that are the projects we like to call the "potentially paying" ones. A hiatus if you will. Now look, I never said the reason we haven't posted anything in 2 months would be a swank and supacool little number, it's just the God's honest truth. But if you don't buy any of this or feel we should have come up with something better, here's a list of excuses that may or may not be better than we were, you know - just fucking busy.

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1. Completely overwhelmed by the duties involved in being a member of the Fisher Stevens fan club.

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2. Tooling around with my long overdue idea for a big budget Simon & Simon movie.

3. Listening to way too much Escape Club. (Okay, that's just Phil. Okay, not really.)

This is an accurate depiction of people who actually lived in the wild, wild west.

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4. Our server was maliciously hacked, infected and crashed during a bitter feud with Birdemic director and self proclaimed Master of Romantic Thrillers tm James Nguyen. Luckily, Rod drove up in an Aerostar and had our backs with CGI gunfire. ***

Duck season? Rabbit season? Neither, it's fucking bird season!

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*** Please note that Rod is a character in the movie Birdemic and couldn't actually cover us with a steady, suppressing fire in any way, shape or form due to the fact that he is not a real person. Therefore, the #4 above statement that was made cannot be interpreted as anything but a joke intended to entertain through spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter - i.e. it's not true. Now the tm at the end of "Master of Romantic Thrillers tm", well, apparently that's a completely different issue altogether.

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5. Suspended by Blogger for this way too risque page header.

Just think what would've happened with our Dirk Diggler header...

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6. Watching Friday the 13th the Series in the sequential episode order as Frank Mancuso Jr. and Jesus intended. And in the preferred format of DVD rather than the episode order that I taped off the Sci-Fi Channel 10 years ago via 8hr extended play BASF VHS tapes.

Now with the Extra Quality!

So, if you rather the funny, there it is. If not, seriously what's been going on is that Phil and I have been scripting comic books for an upstart online comic book website, putting the finishing touches on our short film script and budget and also writing a horror script for a independent studio that loved our pitch. Throw in a Ghost Hunters monthly comic, work and coaching Under 6 girls soccer, well you kinda mostly probably get the picture.

But going forward, our love for the blog will be back very, very soon - even if it's only 1 or 2 posts a week. And thanks for hanging with us.

And as an added apology bonus, here's a picture of Ethan Hawk in disguise.

Listen all ya'll this is SABOTAAAAAAGE!

Whitney Moore from Comic Con 2009: The Lazlo Exclusive Better Late Than Never Post

Earlier this year, we were blessed by the gods by being allowed to see one of the most wacked out, outrageously insane films ever transferred from digital video to DVD entitled Birdemic. Indirectly, or actually directly, because of said viewing of Birdemic, we were allowed to meet one of the coolest girls on the fucking planet - Birdemic lead actress Whitney Moore. So as Comic Con 2009 crept all up on us, Whitney asked if Lazlo's Closet was going to be able to make it to the little shindig. Sadly (and obviously) we were not able BUT since we weren't able - she so kindly offered to do a little correspondence for us and snap a few pics along the way. Now that all of our technical difficulties are behind us (and we had our fair share which is why this is soooo late), we proudly give you Whitney Moore from Comic Con - summing up the experience, answering 5 very important questions and most importantly, preserving that experience in pictures.

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-Mark

San Diego Comic Con was a few weeks ago, and it drew in over 150,000 costumed and comic- crazed fans, myself included. The convention hall was flooded with comic book fans, gamers, artists, and quite a few screaming teenagers hoping to catch a glimpse of the Twilight cast. In between working at my local comic store's booth and trying not to pass out in my latex-pvc catsuit, I nestled myself into the heart of the crowd in attempts to get close to the stars of my current guilty pleasure, HBO's True Blood. I even got the autographs of some favorite comic book writers of mine, Warren Ellis and Eric Powell. As the back issue dust settled and the costumes were peeled off and hung up for the year, the sun set on another fantastic year for comics and pop culture junkies alike. Like many I'll be up with ink-stained fingers until the dawn of next year's Convention.

- Whitney Moore

1. Best costume (besides yours): My favorite costumes were the guys who did Spy vs. Spy.

Actually, I change my answer. The Spider Jerusalem has to be one of my favorites-- He was even in character! I never declared no backzies so I'll allow the answer change.

Alright, he is kinda badass.

2. Worst costume: NO MORE FAT LEIAS!

We don't have any obese Princess Leia pictures,

so enjoy this so very not-obese Whitney Moore as Danger Girl picture.

But what in the hell is she shooting at?

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Never mind, I remember. Moving on...

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3. Favorite part: Being within a 10 foot radius of the sexy stars of True Blood.

Alan Ball's my fav. Not really.

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4. Least favorite: The Twilight Fans (wretch)...And yes, I see that as hypocritical.

A pic having nothing to do with Twilight.

And finally, Number 5. Better than last year? No. Last year was much bigger and busier, plus it was my first year. But this year was still awesome!

Last year may have been slightly better, but this year had fisticuffs. Or dancing.

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That's it for the questions. Here's the rest of the best. Or the best of the rest. Whatever.

Whitney posing for what was probably the only picture taken of her that day.

Of course I was kidding.

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He wreaked havoc all over Gotham, never allowing anyone to get close to him

It took Abbey Chase all of 3 seconds with nothing but tight pants and a big gun.

"Does anyone wanna see a magic trick?"

Venkman & Spengler have not aged well. Not. At. All.



Well - there it is...







You gotta respect the Sith Lord for not going for
the old "hand on the ass" trick here.




That's more than we can say for Robin...

And quite possibly the coolest pic of them all.

So that's it from Comic Con 2009: The Better Late Than Never Edition. Hope all enjoyed the pics and a super big thanks to Whitney for doing this for us and putting up with all of our crap. You've really been a great friend to this blog.

And check back soon and often because we have a few Birdemic related items to throw your way. Why? Becaue it's time to break the silence, like that masked magician from that Fox show. And it's always great fun. Thanks again, Whit.

Yes indeed.

A Blogger Wake Up Call

We here at Lazlo's Closet try to steer clear of all things gossip and trash. But this affects all bloggers and well, quite frankly proves that there is a fine line between sarcasm and hell, just plain mean.

A former Vogue model Liskula Cohen, 36, sued Google to learn the identity of a blogger who posted pics of her at a club and made crude comments about them on the blog "Skanks in NYC" such as “How old is this skank? 40 something?” … “She’s a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank.” If you're in the public eye, should you not care what people say and write about you? Maybe, but she did and well - she also won. New York Supreme Court Judge Madden ordered the identify the anonymous blogger to be revealed, which then Google (which hosts this blog, hundreds of thousands of other blogs and the blog in question) turned over to Cohen.

“The protection of the right to communicate anonymously must be balanced against the need to assure that those persons who choose to abuse the opportunities presented by this medium can be made to answer for such transgressions,” Judge Madden said.

Apparently, Cohen plans to sue the blogger, who turned out to be a female acquaintance she knows, but not a close friend. Her attorney stated that he and his client are “happy that the court recognizes that the Internet is not a place where people can freely defame people.”

The blogger’s attorney, Anne Salisbury, contends that her client’s defense is based on the Bill of Rights. “These words are not actionable,” Salisbury said. “They were not nice, they were insulting, offensive to some. That does not mean that the law provides redress for these insults. So the defense is really, this is free speech.”

According to CBS News legal analyst Lisa Bloom, the ruling should be a “wake-up call” to bloggers. While this is a definite win for Cohen, it also opens the door for the 350,000 other bloggers who will now use this story as a springboard to go out of their way in finding many, different and interesting ways to legally refer to Liskula Cohen as a "skank".

I'm not saying it's right, it's just the reality.

-portions of this post taken from the AP and www.bittenandbound.com and thanks to them.

The "Kinda Late But Still Wicked Cool" Lazlo's Closet Exclusive...

nuff said

Giddy I tell ya...

Well people, I'm not at all embarrassed to admit to anyone reading this - that I am (as the title implies) giddy. Like stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl giddy or the opening day 10:30am screening of Gremlins, Tron or Baby! Secret of the Lost Legend giddy....

And the reason I'm giddy is that I will be reviewing a film that has potential to bring joy to mankind the world over. And a film that I've been waiting to review for a very, very long time. A film, that at one time I would've given my right arm to see...again. But since time has passed, I can only assume that the arm thing will no longer be necessary. So what film is this? What film had me considering lopping off an appendage in exchange for an evening of uninhibited ecstasy with this film? Well, I can't tell you that because it would ruin the surprise, but I will give you a real quick hint.

Blamo!

Ah ha. Well, there it is. And just for the record, I don't know what IntroVision is, but this film apparently used the fuck out of it - thus deeming it credit worthy. But regardless, this review may be the greatest review of a film in the history of cinema. I'm just warning all of you. AND I'm also fully aware that there's no way I can ever live up to that ridiculous prediction, but care not do I, Oh my Brothers. Because this flick is the cat's fucking meow. Also, we'll have some more Selenium Apocalypse reviews plus (if everything goes according to plan), something involving Lorenzo Lamas. Can I get a Booya!?

So check back soon and often, because my review of this film will be up real soon. Please. Or this will happen to Steven Baldwin's face again.

And that's just not fair.

The Hurt Locker (Selenium Apocalypse)

The Hurt Locker
starring Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty
directed by Kathryn Bigelow






Mel Gibson shot through the stratosphere of true stardom after he made Lethal Weapon. Gibson’s take on Sgt. Martin Riggs was spot on perfect. Riggs was a great cop that always got his guy no matter what he had to do to get him. He constantly bucked the system and put his own safety in jeopardy to bring the bad guys down. Riggs was a chain smoking, crazy son of a bitch that you didn’t want to cross. Let’s face it people. No one does crazy or revenge better than Mel. Look at the love that my fellow Lazlo brethren have thrown the way of Riggs. He won the cage match against Swayze’s Dalton from Road House. I loved Mel and I forever love the character of Riggs. So, this weekend I decide to go see this movie that the critics are raving about. It’s called The Hurt Locker. I went in expecting to see a movie about war and came out getting so much more out of it. This is the second best film of the year slightly behind MOON.

Jeremy Renner. Remember this man’s name. Renner plays Staff Sgt. William James. He is the guy that you call to defuse bombs in war-ridden Iraq. This is the job that no one wants; yet James loves his job. He is part of a three man team that are sent out to investigate sites all around when patrols find something suspicious. James’ supporting crew is made up of Sgt. J.T. Sanborn (played by Anthony Mackie) and Specialist Owen Eldridge (played by Brian Geraghty). It is their job to suit James up in the bomb protection gear and cover him while James goes to investigate the potential threat. Sanborn is strictly “by the book”. He automatically clashes with James’ approach to the job. James does very little “by the book”. He goes into these intense situations with reckless abandon. Those bombs are his “bad guys” and he will stop at nothing until all of the bombs are defused. To do a job like this you have to be a little crazy. He puts himself into these situations where it is his ass on the line and he seems to get off on it. Starting to sound familiar. The character of William James is the closest character I’ve seen come close to Gibson’s Martin Riggs. Renner plays James as a chain smoking, heavy metal listening, potential psycho, who is anxious to get his next fix of adrenaline. Renner’s performance is outstanding and very worthy of an Oscar nod for Best Actor. I could also see Anthony Mackie pull down a Best Supporting Actor nod for his strong performance as Sanborn.

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Kathryn Bigelow directed a war movie. The words Bigelow and Oscar don’t mix very well. She directed Point Break for fuck's sake. I went in doubting her ability to pull this off. I figured that she would go the gimmick way with the shaky hand held style that is so en vogue these days. I’m not a fan of that at all. I want to see what is going on. Bigelow did the exact opposite. She gets right in on Renner’s face and eyes so that you can see every bead of sweat falling off of his brow as he working with the bombs. Then she cuts to wide shots of the buildings surrounding the bombsite to add to the intensity. Every person watching from above is a potential threat. This is followed by a shot of supporting crew as they are trying to keep a handle on the situation from afar. This was so effective and so much appreciated. Every bomb scene was so stressful to watch. You are literally on the edge of your seat waiting for something awful to go down. Bigelow well deserves any accolades she gets from this film.

I can’t emphasize enough how great this film is. It’s in a limited release right now. But, I advise all of you to look for it. Renner’s performance is worth the price of admission alone. Bigelow definitely called in some favors for this film from some of her actor friends. This movie is showered with cameo performances. Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse, and Evangeline Lilly all make small appearances and make their mark with the small amount of time that they have. Wow, I would never have thought that my two favorite films of the year would come out in the summer.

P.S. – I have fallen slightly behind in my reviewing duties due to other obligations that I have. However, you can look forward to reviews of 500 Days Of Summer and Funny People. Also on the horizon, we have GI Joe, District 9, and Inglorious Basterds. Stay tuned!

_ Rick

SYFY Channel Original Movie Monday: DRAGONQUEST

Capping off a Saturday evening with a SYFY original movie is sadly becoming a bit of a tradition in my home. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good low budget movie with a predictable premise (this is no secret, and please make note that I used the word "good" in there) some of those movies have what genre fans lovingly referred to as an "MST3K factor" referring of course to Mystery Science Theater 3000 which basically means "this movie is great to watch with friends and make fun of." This also means you may need to drink heavily to get through said film thus making the experience that much more enjoyable.
That being said, I don't think Dragon Quest was anywhere near the "Good low budget" category. The kindest thing I could say is that the film would be worthy of an all out assault by Joel/ Mike and the Bots.
Dragonquest is directed by Mark Atkins who you may not know from his cinematography work on such direct to DVD fodder as War Of The Worlds 2 starring C. Thomas Howell, 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea starring Lorenzo Lamas and (my favorite) Snakes On A Train starring no one in particular...anyway...
Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour) is the reluctant hero of our epic tale. He may only have one expression, but he has a magic shirt, a shirt of ever-changing! This has nothing to do with the story but I'm guessing either the editor of this film took the short bus to work every day or they lost the original shirt sometime during the shoot and just went with whatever spare shirts they found on set because this guy had what looked like three rotating shirts that appeared and disappeared throughout the production.

I decided on the tan shirt for the quest, what do you think?

A white short sleeve shirt, which suddenly changed to a tan long sleeve shirt, and then changed again to a red-ish shirt with a collar... not to harp on the subject of shirts, but in the tavern scene the tags of the re-appearing white shit are poking out from behind our heroes neck during one of his "I don't know if I can do this" speeches. (Size M 50% Polyester )
Arkadi is destined to stop the evil wizard Kirill (Brian Thompson) from summoning the dragon of darkness by finding the seven stones of the virtues and placing them in a real nifty amulet.

He is aided on his quest by Knight of the Brotherhood Maxim (Marc Singer) who's supporting character is a cross between Mickey from Rocky and Popeye, with a froggy voice and hobble in his step Maxim acts as Arkadi's conscience reminding him of the seven virtues the chosen one must follow to be able to find the stones and prepare for the fight of his life. He drops some major wisdom along the way as well.

"We are always weakest when we feel strongest. and your lucky numbers are 5 and 17."

Our bland shirt changing hero is also accompanied by Warrior Princess lite Katya (Jennifer Dorogi) who's character follows the current fantasy film mantra, "women Kick a whole lot more ass than all the men combined in the film" but her make-up is still good and thick and she even sleeps in her leather head band.

By the penciled eyebrows of Athena, I swear vengence!

So the quest begins and our heroes begin the search for the seven stones. Here is a capsulation of what happens during the quest for the stones.
Stone #1 PATIENCE: May have been the most confusing one to follow, as the characters approach a large swamp Maxim prepares Arkadi for what is to come as they stop near a body of stagnant water. The stone is somewhere in the lake and Arkadi prepares to dive in to find a stone the size of a 2 karat diamond (at night btw). Before he can dip his big toe in the water he is swallowed whole by a giant serpent. While in the belly of the beast he smacks two stones together but is spit back out by the serpent before anything can happen. As he stands on the edge of the lake (still with the same dazed look he's had since scene one) He is swallowed again by the giant snake so out come the rocks and he strikes them against each other creating a pathetically small spark (I was assuming the entire time he was trying to start a fire to help free himself) He is spit out by the serpent yet again. As Maxim looks to Arkadi as if to say "WELL?" Arkadi sits and lights up a hash pipe and takes a couple of tokes. The serpent re-emerges and swallows Arkadi AGAIN. Before exhaling he notices a glint somewhere in the giant snake stomach, and the first stone is found! I am assuming that stone was about patience...only because Marc Singer said it was, I don't see how that encounter had anything to do with patience except for my sitting through it.
Stone#2 CHASTITY: was about being chaste and respectful as he refuses the advances of a hot babe in a bubble bath...whatever sissy. The funny thing is after he took the stone he didn't even say "thank you".
Stone#3 DILEGANCE : For helping a captive escape from the dungeon of some warlord Arkadi is given the next stone and a box of gold. upon opening the box and seeing the riches within he exclaims "Now I can buy two..." TWO OF WHAT? that's going to haunt me for weeks...

Hey with this gold I could buy two...

Stone#4 I HAVE NO IDEA: This stone was found in a dark cave with a giant CGI Spider which did nothing but walk slowly past our hero who's plan was to stand very still allowing the spider to pass. Looking down he finds the next stone embedded in a helmet. Bravery?
Stone #5 CHARITY: Our heroes find a bum on the beach and give him the box of gold he received from the prisoner a few scenes ago. In exchange the bum gives Arkadi the next stone. Good thing he wasn't near a pawn shop.
Stone #6 KINDNESS: After Marc Singer is killed (OOPS SPOILER ALERT) his remains are brought to who we can only assume is his wife. She gives Arkadi the stone for honoring her fallen husband...Be at rest Beastmaster your part in this is over collect your paycheck and go home.
Stone #7 AGAIN, NO IDEA because I don't remember the seventh stone even being mentioned. He just kind of went after the bad guy at this point.
So after all this work Arkadi faces off with the black hooded wizard Kirill who quickly snatched up the amulet of power and tossed it over a cliff. Luckily for our hero Maxim's last words were "The power of the virtues are not in the stones...They are in YOU." I was floored... So after the most BORING climactic battle EVER which was for the most part a staring contest TO THE DEATH! Arkadi summons the dragon of light to combat Kirill's dragon of darkness...Blah-dee Blah-dee Blah, the end.
So in conclusion I think that unless you have the following qualities: Purity, Self Control, Generosity, Persistence, Peace, Satisfaction, and Bravery you will not emerge from the bowels of this movie unscathed if viewed in it's entirerty So we at Lazlo's Closet are going to give you the final moments of Dragonquest to enjoy with as little damage to your soul as possible.Good luck!

Lazlo Gives Back

I know many people are struggling with the decision on whether or not to actively seek out the 2007 Swedish film Du levande. The film, translated as You, the Living, was directed by Songs from the Second Floor director Roy Andersson and has yet to find an American audience with a Region 1 DVD release. It's a tough call, one that I completely understand as I've been toiling with this same decision myself for some time now. So as we all have the same difficult choice ahead of us, I have posted the opening of this film to aid everyone still teetering on the fence. I hope this was as helpful to you as it was to me.

And no, that wasn't a real dog.

Dear Torchwood (A Very Special Tuesday Guest Post)

The following is a review/commentary on the all around melt-in-your-mouth goodness that is the television show Torchwood. It is also written by friend of Lazlo, fellow blogger and wordsmith extraordinaire Goddessdster.

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I love Torchwood like I love eighties-era Bon Jovi, without shame or guilt, but with the knowledge that only other fans truly understand. This Dr. Who spin-off series exploded onto BBC3 three years ago and quickly gained popularity for its sassy, sexy delivery of campy sci-fi. This past week, BBCAmerica premiered the long-awaited third series of this sometimes giggle inducing, sometimes exciting show with the superior Torchwood: Children of Earth.

Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police.
Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race.
The 21st Century is when everything changes --
and Torchwood is ready.

To enjoy Torchwood is to understand the appeal that is Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman). Captain Jack is an immortal, 51st Century, former time-traveling con artist, and the irreverent, saucy, sexy, charismatic head of the Torchwood Three branch of a special-ops group that investigates and contains extraterrestrial incursions in the UK. Barrowman's Captain Jack isn't the most accomplished actor on the small screen. He plays best when approaching material that requires tough bravado or flirtatious devil-may-care leadership. Scenes which require more depth, such as rage or grief, feel flat. The viewer cares little, though, because Barrowman's charisma transcends his two-dimensional acting ability.

Children of Earth may be difficult to follow at first for the newbie. The characters at the start of this series have just suffered the devastating loss of two of their team members and aren't acting like their usual selves. I've been told the Welsh accent is tough for the uninitiated. Character nuances, that fans are aware of, may be lost on the unfamiliar. But that shouldn't stop anyone from watching. Because this installment, originally aired as a five-night miniseries, reminded me of the best of The X-Files, Millenium, and Heroes (when it was good), and I believe it is still approachable even if the characters aren't known to you.

Series creator, Russell T. Davies, took the usual Torchwood formula of Threat--Team Response--Team in Peril--Captain Jack Gets Killed--Captain Jack Comes Back to Life--Team Bickers--Team Works Together for the Greater Good--Threat is Removed/Delayed/Lessened--Team Hug, and threw it on its arse by introducing a mysterious new alien enemy that puts the whole world in peril. Team Torchwood is unable to respond as they normally do because they are in the dark as much as anyone else. Also, they are under attack by their own government in order to protect knowledge of evil deeds from the past.

This series broke my heart and kicked my ass over five nights of tense expectancy and it delivered. New, fully three-dimensional characters are introduced with such subtle depth that they are actual players in what is happening, not just cardboard cut-outs to keep the plot moving (I would like to bring particular attention to the work of Peter Capaldi as John Frobisher - government flunky and patsy in the events at hand). We also get to know the surviving members of the team better. Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), who is Jack's "Everywoman," may not be as babelicious as Chuck's Sarah Walker, but she kicks infinitely more ass, and makes us care about what is happening. Her husband Rhys (Kai Owen) finds himself uncomfortably in the middle of these events, a place he is usually happy to leave to Gwen. And Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd), the former "coffee boy," has in recent months found himself in a position of more importance, both in Torchwood and Jack's heart.

Yes, Jack always wears the coat and Ianto always wears a suit, why do you ask?

Each night's succeeding layer upon layer of complexity and drama left me literally swallowing my heart as I awaited new installments. I left work every day excited and nervous the same way I used to get about Battlestar Galactica. I yearned for an easy solution as the situation worsened. And the lesson here - if you want to take a lesson from it - is that there are no easy solutions to fucked-up situations of our own making. Hard choices have to be made along with sacrifices. There will be loss. There will be heartbreak. There will be twists and turns and an ending I could never foresee, during which I was sitting on the edge of my sofa, hands clutched, thinking, "Holy shit. Holy shit," in stunned silence as the credits rolled.

This was one of the best weeks of television I have watched in a long time, and though it surprises me the source was a show I watched mainly for its escapist qualities, I was certainly not disappointed to find simply quality. Do yourselves a favor and just try it when it comes out on DVD. Get to know what thoughtful, intelligent Sci-Fi can be when told from the perspective of a show that never took itself too seriously.

Torchwood: Children of Earth will be released on DVD on Tuesday, July 28.

Goddessdster writes on livejournal, where her opinions, musings and thoughts pop in cyber-magically on a daily basis. The author appears courtesy of, well...herself. Thanks again, D and as always, be careful of Fenster. He has the ability to flip ya'.

SYFY "ORIGINAL" MOVIE MONDAY: MALIBU SHARK ATTACK

MALIBU SHARK ATTACK starring Peta Wilson (La Femme Nikita) Chelan Simmons (Final Destination 3) Warren Christie (Battlestar Galactica) An underwater earthquake generates a tsunami that strikes Malibu and brings a hunting pack of prehistoric-looking goblin sharks to the surface. Although the beach is evacuated before the big wave strikes, a group of lifeguards and a crew of construction workers are stranded in the high water and have to fight the sharks to get to dry land. This is not so much a full review but more of an observation. I don't know what it is with Sci-Fi Ch...oh wait sorry SY FY, they have a thing for giant animal / fish / insect movies. There's honestly not much to report on Malibu Shark Attack except I can't believe there is yet another shark film out there for (pardon the pun) public consumption...



I will say I appreciate the teaming up of lifeguards and construction workers. I don't think Baywatch even broke that ground. Also the use of chainsaws against sharks, I kind of liked that actually. It was almost as groundbreaking as the Zombie vs. Shark fight in Lucio Fulci's Zombie.

Still one of the coolest things EVER put on film (. period)

Fun Fact - Since Malibu Shark Attack aka Goblin Shark Attack was filmed in Australia they were able to use real (dead) sharks for the chainsaw scenes. Eat that PETA! (Not Wilson, of course.)

One of my favorite quotes is from producer Dale Bradley in an interview with Fangoria.com during pre-production where he mentions "We’ve got another scene that’s a bit of a homage to JAWS 3-D, where a parasailor gets into all sorts of trouble and ends up being half the man he used to be.” Honestly does Jaws 3-D really deserve a nod of any sort?

I coming for you Louis Gossett Jr!

Well I for one am calling "FOUL" aka Bullshit, on the newly ebonicly named SYFY channel for their new movie MALIBU SHARK ATTACK which I firmly believe was at the very LEAST inspired by the Lazlo's Closet spoof SHARKS IN VEGAS, SHARKS IN VEGAS part 2...I mean, Sharks ON LAND - IN-DOORS, c'mon we have practically invented the genre! Also coming soon "BAIT" another in-door shark flick reeled in by once inspirational maverick director turned "meh" director Russell Mulcahy (Highlander), not to say that I was not inspired by his masterpiece Duran Duran music video "Wild Boys" ... But that's another post entirely.

BAIT is set in a coastal town where a freak tsunami floods and traps shoppers in a supermarket with an armed maniac and a pack of hungry tiger sharks that have been washed into the building. I'm going on record here stating that I believe Lazlo's Closet has started a new trend of thriller movie here with two examples already at hand. With our ridiculous (yet lovingly crafted) spoof treatment of Sharks in Venice, a new vein of entertainment has been tapped, and as you all know, when a new sub-genre of film is created and is embraced by Hollywood the imitators come in droves. I would expect at least 2 - 3 indoor shark films for each of the 346 known species of shark that have ever existed at one point on the planet. Which would approximately flood the DVD shelves and cable boxes with around 1,038 In-door shark movies within the next decade.

It is for this potential influx of fish poo that we at Lazlo's Closet would like to publicly apologies and ask for your forgiveness. The written word is a powerful thing...My god what have we set lose upon the world...

Fweew...well at least I didn't unlock a stream of crappy SHARK FILMS upon the world!

DVD Love & The 10 Films That Need It - Bad!

Just the other day, Phil and I were pondering the immortal words of Socrates who said: "Why the fuck aren't these movies on DVD?!" Alright, there's a good chance that Socrates never pondered why his favorite films were never released digitally in a small, semi-flexible discus format. But none-the-less, I know all of you poor bastards have had that same thought at least at one time or another, just as we did. So why, then? Why are these films not readily available for my grimy hands to pop out of it's case and slap it into my DVD player so as to actually be able to view this film without ever having the thought "Why won't the tracking button get rid of that unholy jump at the bottom of the screen? Wait...fuck! Now it's at the top!". Well, if you throw out reason, intellectual thought, cost and the fact that none of these gems could even come close to scaring up a profit, I can't find one solid reason.

So here goes, but understand - this isn't the top 10 DVD-less films of all time. So don't start yelling at us about "Why ain't Bullies on your list? It's only Olivia D'Abo's finest performance like, ever" or "where in the fuck is Big Bad Mama 2? This blog is ass!". It's a the first 10 that popped into our heads list. But feel free to comment on a movie you want on DVD, just no yelling. You may wake up Phil's children.

So, in no particular order, well except the first one...

1. Megaforce

-

What kind of a world do we live in where I can Netflix Spacehunter, Battle Beyond the Stars, Ice Pirates or fucking Solarbabies...but no Ace Hunter sporting the thin headband holding back his long, feathered wisps of manly hair firing missiles from flying motorcycles? Dear Anyone with the ability to distribute DVD's: For the love of Jesus Christ, help me give you money.

It's deeds not words, Janet. Damnit!

2. Spellbinder

I had a thing for Kelly Preston back in the 80's and early 90's and I remember this to be one of her best. Spellbinder starred Tim Daly, Rick Rossovich along side Kelly Preston and a whole lotta witchcraft. Nothing but some goold ole' fashioned straight-to-video fun from 1988 and a must for Preston fans, pre Wings Daly fans or any of the 7 members from the Rick Rossovich Fan Club. Lord knows they do who love them some Slider. (And yes guys! I will finally sign your "Release Pacific Blue" petition. )




3. Jack's Back

I saw this movie one time back when it first came out in the late 80's. But I really can't remember anything about it except that it was a modern day Jack the Ripper starring Spader in a duel role as twins and one was left handed (and I think that was a twist). So I looked it up the other day and realized that it also starred my favorite Youngblood actress Cynthia Gibb and was directed by none other than Rowdy "I directed the crap out of Road House" Herrington! And, ahem, I really think I liked it. I need to confirm this in a digital format.



4. The Unnamable

A film so bad, not even H.P. Lovecraft could drum up a handle for this freakshow that was supposed to be scary. But it wasn't. It was really kinda boring. But the title always cracked me up. And if a film dares to name itself after an unnamable monster thus technically rendering the film nameless, well to me - you deserve a spot in my collection, Big Guy. If it were only available, hmmmm.....





5. Alligator 2

For a film as awesomely cheeseball as Alligator, when there's a sequel that I had no idea even existed...well then, I need to own it. (side note - In a drunken stupor, I wanted to put Prospero's Books by Peter Greenaway here but Phil called bullshit. You know what? On second thought go ahead and yell. Wake up his kids for all I care...)



6. Killer Fish


Alright, truth. Phil and I are saddened and pained to admit that we've never seen Killer Fish. Because we really, really, really, really, really, really, really need to see this film. Lee Majors. Karen Black. Ill tempered marine life. Simply put: required viewing.


Phil says he doesn't even care about DVD, he'll take Beta if need be.



7. Hercules vs The Hydra

Jayne Mansfield in a Hercules film. Like chocolate and nugget or shower scenes and abandoned, remote cabins in the woods near an insane asylum - a combination near impossible to deny. There's no reason to explain what this film is about because it's awful and bad and ridiculously amazing! If you don't believe me, check out this actual review from Amazon...

3.0 out of 5 stars, August 10, 2008
By Deacon Mo (Colorado)

There are at least 3 reasons to like this film:
1. Yes, yes; Jayne's body is mesmerizing.
2. Some of the sets are just fantastic. Much imagination and craft went in to creating them.

I love the fact that they only give us 2 of the 3 reasons. So, if you love films with fantastic sets or Jayne Mansfield's body, look no further my friends. But I'm still unsure if the fantastic sets comment was with pun intended.

Actual "non English" poster

8. Mindwarp

"A non stop spiral of action and suspense" starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm. Um, do you even need to know what this baby is about? It's got Bruce, Angus and a spiral of action and suspense. And the back of the box says "see it at your own risk." For whatever that's worth to ya...Hell, I think even Faces of Death had that on the box. Now that's fucking surious! And we're both Bruce whores so it really doesn't matter what it's about.






9. Whore

When the director of Altered States & Lair of the White Worm hooks up with Theresa Russell playing a - well you know, the title kinda says it all. Gritty and uncompromising and directed by Ken Russell. But the best version to own is the one from Spain (for translation purposes alone).
10. Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn

Okay, All I know is that I saw this film in the theater and there's a real good chance that at that time I probably thought it was greatest film ever made. But as of today, I feel fairly confident that I was probably dead ass wrong about that. Truth is, I can't remember a fucking thing about this movie. I have no idea where in the hell the city of Jared Syn is, let alone how or when it was destroyed. And what about this freak Metalstorm? What is a Metalstorm? How did it form? Are they relegated to a certain part of the world or atmospheric conditions? Is a Metalstorm what actually caused the Mayans to stop creating calendars? Or maybe that's what destroyed Jared Syn! Wait, I think Kelly Preston was in this bastard too.

I guess I could read the synopsis on Amazon or imdb it, but that would be too easy. Give me a DVD release so I can settle this the way Jesus intended - by watching it on DVD. In stereo (see box)

Or I could just ask Sam...

Fair enough.

The Dark Side of the Moon Stops the Selenium Apocalypse

Moon
Starring Sam Rockwell & the voice of Kevin Spacey
Directed by Duncan Jones




On Sunday, a choice had to be made. Do I go see Johnny Depp and Christian Bale play cat and mouse in Public Enemies, or do I go see Moon with Sam Rockwell? The decision was easy. I chose Moon. I went with Moon because of the stellar reviews that I read about it. Also, it’s a small independent film that will not have the shelf life that Public Enemies will have. I definitely chose the right film. I walked out of Moon knowing that this was the best film that I’ve seen all year. It also gave me hope in cinema again. If you have a great actor, a great script, and a clear distinct vision, the rest will take care of itself.

A big part of the credit goes to the film’s director, Duncan Jones, a first time feature director. I was blown away by the maturity of this film. Many young directors today want to “jerk off” on an audience--trying to make a name for themselves by using gimmicks and showy devices that they can call their own. It gives them a “style.” I’ve got a suggestion for these guys: Carry out your vision by making the acting and the story your “style.” Jones accomplishes this impeccably. Also, he does a great job of paying homage to the films that influenced him, but making this movie his own unique creation. Automatically, you see heavy influences from 2001: A Space Odyssey. The isolation factors of Silent Running. The exterior moon scenes have the look of Outland with a little Alien thrown in for good measure. This is pure, hard science fiction here. I’m not talking little green men, space battles, and explosions (Fuck you, Michael Bay!). What makes Jones’ movie unique and makes it stand out from the films listed above is that this is a very personal, human story at its core. It deals with the human condition when put in an “alien” environment. It deals with feelings of loss, depression, and borderline insanity. All of these things are all too human. The film’s pacing is well executed, while very calm and painstaking in its measure, there is always this tension that hovers above it. It’s very clever how he pulled that off. Duncan Jones should be praised by the MOVIE GODS for taking five million dollars and making a film that looks like it cost fifty million. There was no CGI that I could see or that was obvious. It appears that he used many practical effects. In today’s film climate, this is highly refreshing to see. Jones directed and carried out his vision flawlessly. He is one talented director to watch for in the future. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he’s the son of David Bowie. He’s got great genes.

I’ve had the honor and privilege to meet and hang out with the film’s composer, Clint Mansell. Back in 2006, he and Darren Aronofsky screened the movie The Fountain at Fantastic Fest in Austin. When the opportunity presented itself, I had to jump at it. We discussed the Requiem For A Dream score quite a bit, and he was also tickled that I was a fan of his old group, Pop Will Eat Itself. I feel that the music he composed for Moon is the best score that I’ve heard for a movie since The Dark Knight. Clint’s score is dark and ominous and it fits the tone of the film perfectly. However, in the later parts of the film, it gets lighter symbolizing hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is just spot-on perfect throughout. I truly feel that the score was its own character in the movie. That’s what a great score should be. Clint really outdid himself.

Give this man his Oscar! Sam Rockwell is an acting GOD. He first kicked my ass playing Chuck Barris in Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, a film loaded with A-list movie stars, yet Rockwell outshined everyone and carried it. He gets steady work, but he seems to always get these supporting roles. If he ever really wanted to truly be the whole show, then he picked the right role. Rockwell plays Sam Bell, the caretaker of a mining facility on the dark side of the moon. He is there alone with only a computer (named GERTY, voiced by Kevin Spacey) to keep him company. All Sam wants to do is go home. It is brutal watching him just try to survive those final days until his replacement comes. He goes through an entire spectrum of emotions. Rockwell’s performance is an absolute tour de force, especially considering he is the only actor in 98% of the scenes. The best part of his performance is how openly vulnerable he plays Sam. You are rooting for this man to get his wish to go home while every possible obstacle stops him. Even when he doubts his sanity, you are right there with him hoping that it’s just loneliness that makes him see these things. Sam Bell is one of the most interesting characters I have witnessed in a film in a long time. Did he take this job because he was a distant person that was very work driven, knowing the price he would pay in his family life? Was this a very selfish, soulless act? Probably. But by the end of this film you know Sam has a soul and an identity. I’ll just leave it at that.

So, what’s the plot? I’ve given you the bare minimum and that’s all you’re going to get. I’ve described all you need to know about how a brilliant movie is created: Duncan had the vision, Clint set the tone, Sam is the glue that holds it all together. If you read this, I beg you to find a theater and see this film. It’s given me back my faith in movies!

-Rick

Great review, Rick. I too saw Moon and planned on posting a double review for this great film. But when a review is spot on - it's spot on. I completely agree with everything Rick put in this review. So see this film, people. Seriously. Great cinema is hard enough to come by these days, but great cinematic sci-fi? It's worth that extra pain-in-the-ass 15 minute drive to your local "arty" theater. Straight the `eff up.

Selenium Apocalypse; Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

We here at Lazlo's Closet wish to Thank Madison Rose (my daughter) for filling us in on the newest installment of the JK Rowling series Harry Potter. The following is a review of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" as seen by a tweenie....

"Last night (July 14th) I went with my cousins, mother, two aunts, uncle and a friend to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now if you didn't read the book you're probably wondering who the Half Blood Prince is, right? Well you won't know from here, LOL. In this movie Harry learns the depth of how far Voldemort was willing to go to make himself invincible. It starts with the death eaters destroying most of Diagon Alley, which I didn't really like that much. Snape makes an unbreakable vow with Narcissa Malfoy.

Harry is taken from a train station by Dumbledore. They(Harry and Dumbledore) go on a mission to recruit a person for professor, since there is an open position at Hogworts after Prof. Umbridge went crazy because of the centaurs at the end of Order of the Phoenix. He meets Prof. Slughorn, who used to teach at Hogworts. He taught many students including Lily (Evens)Potter and Voldemort. The professor seems to have been very fond of Lily, Harry's mom. When Harry gets to the welcoming feast there is a bit of a twist that surprised me. All the usual people are back at the school, Luna, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Draco. Draco was very different in this movie then other movies. He was way more sinister. The school is being plagued by really dark magic. And to make it feel even more creepy, Dumbledore's right hand is all black and dead looking through the whole film. In total this movie was much darker. Except for the love parts. I think that JK Rowling went really wrong with who she paired everyone with. It seemed really typical that she put certain people together. What JK did with her couples is what my dad would call, "Greedo shooting first!"

cold....

freezing!

now THAT'S hot!

I did totally LOVE the movie though. The ending is a real tear jerker. There wasn't a dry eye. There is a lot of work ahead of Harry if he's going to beat Voldemort. I guess we'll have to see how it comes out in movie 7. I recommend you seeing the movie. I rate it a four star movie for sure." -Madison Rose

Thank you Madi for joining in and hitting one out of the park for the Selenium Apocalypse. Unfortunately you cannot turn this in for a grade this September...Sorry kid. - Dad (aka Phil)

bruno: (Or Selenium Apocalypse has a one night stand with Bruno plus tidbits on Betaplayer and Green Lantern)

bruno
Starring Sacha Baron Cohen
Directed by Larry Charles

When I saw Borat a couple of years ago, I was laughing so hard through the whole movie I almost lost consciousness. After the movie, my waitress at the Alamo Drafthouse grabbed me on the way out of the theater and told me that she couldn’t tell if I was laughing really hard or if she was going to have to call paramedics. Granted, Sacha Baron Cohen is a one trick pony. It’s fantastic the first time, but it sort of loses its edge on repeated viewings. There is nothing better than his use of awkward, squirm in your seat comedy. Also, his fearless use of anti political correctness is refreshing in today’s social landscape. He has become the new “King “ of this style of humor. Which brings me to his new comedy assault, Bruno.

Cohen’s Bruno is a gay, Austrian fashion expert who is humiliated and ostracized when he wears a Velcro suit to a fashion show and ends up ruining it. Disgraced, Bruno decides to head to America to take back his fame and become the biggest star in the world. Things do not go according to plan. There are three sequences in this film that had me gasping for air. The sex scene with the pygmy is so wrong on so many levels, but hysterical. Then Bruno adopts his African gayby, OJ. He goes on The Richard Bey Show and shows off his picture portfolio that he has done with OJ. It’s so wrong. My personal favorite is when Bruno goes to the swinger’s party. Bruno decides that he has to learn to be straight if he is going to be a big star. He gets cornered and brought into a room by this really kinky woman who starts whipping him with her belt. This was not fake either; she was whipping the shit out of him. Finally, he makes his escape by crashing through the window and runs for his life. When Bruno is funny, it’s tears in the eyes, hold your side funny. The main problem is that the laughs were not as rapid fire as they were in Borat. Also, the fake Austrian accent was hard to understand sometimes.

Bruno was definitely worth the price of admission. I enjoyed the movie, but it is not the comedy champion of the summer--that prize still belongs to The Hangover. I really recommend seeing this film, but it ain’t going to kill you if you miss it.

On a side note for the Austin folks that read the site, I highly recommend checking out Betaplayer at a club near you. They are big fans of Lazlo’s Closet, so I wanted to throw some love back at them. You can check them out on July 30 at the Beauty Bar on 7th street. They are killer live. Some old school Hip Hop with a badass backing band. These guys bring it…BIG TIME.

Geek News Item Of The Weekend – Ryan Reynolds will play Hal Jordan in Green Lantern. I think that this is solid casting by director Martin Campbell that will finally put Reynolds on the A List. Also, it keeps 20th Century Fox from making a Deadpool movie spin-off from the shit that was X-Men Origins – Wolverine! Nice job, Warner Brothers! Selenium Apocalypse returns again on Wednesday with reviews from Mark & I of our favorite film of the year, Moon.