bruno: (Or Selenium Apocalypse has a one night stand with Bruno plus tidbits on Betaplayer and Green Lantern)

bruno
Starring Sacha Baron Cohen
Directed by Larry Charles

When I saw Borat a couple of years ago, I was laughing so hard through the whole movie I almost lost consciousness. After the movie, my waitress at the Alamo Drafthouse grabbed me on the way out of the theater and told me that she couldn’t tell if I was laughing really hard or if she was going to have to call paramedics. Granted, Sacha Baron Cohen is a one trick pony. It’s fantastic the first time, but it sort of loses its edge on repeated viewings. There is nothing better than his use of awkward, squirm in your seat comedy. Also, his fearless use of anti political correctness is refreshing in today’s social landscape. He has become the new “King “ of this style of humor. Which brings me to his new comedy assault, Bruno.

Cohen’s Bruno is a gay, Austrian fashion expert who is humiliated and ostracized when he wears a Velcro suit to a fashion show and ends up ruining it. Disgraced, Bruno decides to head to America to take back his fame and become the biggest star in the world. Things do not go according to plan. There are three sequences in this film that had me gasping for air. The sex scene with the pygmy is so wrong on so many levels, but hysterical. Then Bruno adopts his African gayby, OJ. He goes on The Richard Bey Show and shows off his picture portfolio that he has done with OJ. It’s so wrong. My personal favorite is when Bruno goes to the swinger’s party. Bruno decides that he has to learn to be straight if he is going to be a big star. He gets cornered and brought into a room by this really kinky woman who starts whipping him with her belt. This was not fake either; she was whipping the shit out of him. Finally, he makes his escape by crashing through the window and runs for his life. When Bruno is funny, it’s tears in the eyes, hold your side funny. The main problem is that the laughs were not as rapid fire as they were in Borat. Also, the fake Austrian accent was hard to understand sometimes.

Bruno was definitely worth the price of admission. I enjoyed the movie, but it is not the comedy champion of the summer--that prize still belongs to The Hangover. I really recommend seeing this film, but it ain’t going to kill you if you miss it.

On a side note for the Austin folks that read the site, I highly recommend checking out Betaplayer at a club near you. They are big fans of Lazlo’s Closet, so I wanted to throw some love back at them. You can check them out on July 30 at the Beauty Bar on 7th street. They are killer live. Some old school Hip Hop with a badass backing band. These guys bring it…BIG TIME.

Geek News Item Of The Weekend – Ryan Reynolds will play Hal Jordan in Green Lantern. I think that this is solid casting by director Martin Campbell that will finally put Reynolds on the A List. Also, it keeps 20th Century Fox from making a Deadpool movie spin-off from the shit that was X-Men Origins – Wolverine! Nice job, Warner Brothers! Selenium Apocalypse returns again on Wednesday with reviews from Mark & I of our favorite film of the year, Moon.

News Flash! Michael Bay's bad influence on Hollywood brings about the END OF THE WORLD!

Yes it's true after the success of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (and let's clarify that Transformers may be a monetary success, but a crashing epic fail for the soul of film in general.) We have an even bigger and badder piece of disaster porn to look forward to in the near future. Michael Bay's eternal big budget nemesis Roland Emmerich (Godzilla, Day After Tomorrow and ID4) fweew - that's a portfolio of Doom with footage of a lot of shit getting crushed. Is bringing us 2012. So get ready to see ALL of your favorite landmarks get wiped off the map AGAIN plus a few Roland forgot about in his last few films.

Now I ask you, after viewing that piece of Ragnarok like destruction how is Mr. Bay going to compete? How do you top the end of the world? Well we at Lazlo's Closet have found out through our secret film informant...aka Carl, this drunk guy who Rick picks up off the floor of the Alamo Drafthouse from time to time who told us Michael Bay's next film is to be titled CHAIN EFFECT where world death happens to not only Earth but to every planet in the solar system one by one, starting with that mysterious black planet discovered beyond Pluto (recently demoted to a really large ice ball) which explodes for no reason what-so-ever and begins a chain reaction of cosmic destruction up the solar system line counting down until Earth's final day but then going on until the finale of the Sun exploding rivaling the blast of a million Death Star Stations! That's what I call BOX OFFICE BABY! Mr. Bay was quoted "You really will need to view CHAIN EFFECT in the IMAX format to truly understand my vision...oh and EAT IT EMMERICH!"

Away We Go (Selenium Apocalypse Goes Small & Indie)

Away We Go
Starring John Krasinski & Maya Rudolph, Allison Janney, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Catherine O’Hara & Jeff Daniels
Directed by Sam Mendes

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to check out some “smaller” movies to bring me back down to ground after all of the “larger” movies I had consumed. I made up a small hit list, and the first one I attended was Away We Go directed by the great Sam Mendes, whose past credits include American Beauty, Road to Perdition, Jarhead, and Revolutionary Road. If this man makes a film, I can pretty much guarantee that I will see it in the theatre. It’s so amazing Mendes has only directed five films and they all have been excellent. There just aren’t many directors that have that kind of track record. The man definitely has the eye to select well-written scripts and material. Away We Go for lack of a better term is his comedy. However, anyone that’s seen a Sam Mendes movie knows that it’s not going to be all laughs. I’ll get to that later.

There are those special “independent” films that come around every year that take movie audiences by storm through good word of mouth, such as Little Miss Sunshine or Juno. Away We Go is definitely in that vein, with extremely quirky characters spread throughout the film, but packed behind all of that is a ton of heart. Much credit must go to screenwriters Dave Eggers and Vendella Vida. Their script along with the direction really makes this movie shine.The basic plot of the movie is that Burt (John Krasinski) and Verona (Maya Rudolph) play an unmarried thirty-something couple who are expecting their first child. During a family dinner, Burt’s parents (Catherine O’Hara and Jeff Daniels) drop the bombshell that they are moving to Belgium for two years and will miss the birth of their grandchild. This motivates Burt and Verona to travel around the country to find their perfect place to settle and raise their child.

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The rest of the movie focuses on Burt and Verona’s trip to find a home. It is here that we meet all of the quirky friends from their past. Lily (Allison Janney) is the drunken, unhappy loudmouth who scares them away from Phoenix. In Madison, we meet Ellen or LN (Maggie Gyllenhaal) with her full-proof belief system on how children should be raised. This whole sequence made for some of the biggest laughs in the movie. You will never forget the three S’s: no sugar, no strollers and no separation. Obviously, Madison will not be their final resting place.

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When they make their way up to Montreal to meet up with some old friends from college, Mendes takes the film in the opposite direction. Tom and Munch (Chris Messina and Melanie Lynskey) seem on the outside to have the perfect happy life, but we quickly get an insight that this is not the case. Munch’s dance at the Gentlemen’s Club is a very effective scene. No words spoken, and it totally breaks your heart. Burt receives a call from his brother Courtney (Paul Schneider). He asks him to head down to Miami to help out because his wife has left him and their daughter.

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The viewer never finds out where in the U.S. this final stop is for Burt and Verona, but they go to the home where Verona grew up. It is here that they realize that this place represented nothing but love and that’s all they will ever need. What’s so great about Burt and Verona’s journey is that they seem so real and so normal. They second-guess themselves wondering if they are fucking up. However, they always validate each other. These final scenes actually brought tears to my eyes.

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The Great Mendes has struck again. I’d like to see more movies with characters like Burt and Verona. They seemed so real and authentic. I cannot express to you how blown away I was by Maya Rudolph’s performance. She is absolutely sensational in the film. Well, if you haven’t figured it out, I loved this movie. Sam Mendes is five for five. Well done, sir!

Cage Match! Badass Badguys

It's back, people. And this time - it's personal. I tried to stop it but really - am I the person to tell two grown men who are characters played by actors that they can't settle their differences not by words, but with knuckles and boot leather? The answer is a firm, "um eff no!" but I truly don't believe either of these jack rabbit sonofabitches would listen even if I were that person. So today, we pit two seriously deranged badguy badasses up against each other in what could possibly be the closest match we've even had. So in this installment, we unlock the cage to give you: blond vs. blond. Right Hand Man vs. Right Hand Man. Die Hard vs. Lethal Weapon. Or...

Karl vs. Mr. Joshua

You poor bastards just got chills, right? Yeah, me too. But here's the problem . Both men are, well - dead. While both guys kicked major ass and fought to an inch of their opponents almost death, respectfully, neither truly sealed the proverbial deal and finished off the good guy. And both of these henchmen were rewarded with a "second wind back from the dead" death scene. But for the sake of this argument, let's just say that neither guy was dead, they were just mostly dead by way of multiple gunshot wounds and Miracle Max forced an over-sized horse pill down both of their mouths and - Blamo! All is right in the world (or at least for this post).

No bullshit, Jack? No bullshit, Wang. Here's how it goes down...

Having both been given a second chance on life, newly unemployed Karl from Die Hard and Mr. Joshua from Lethal Weapon became close friends. After getting an apartment together that they shared for over two years, Mr. Joshua came home one night to find Karl in bed with Mr. Joshua's girlfriend. Karl attempted to explain that he was still really upset about his brother's death at Nakatomi Plaza, but Mr. Joshua wouldn't hear of it and apparently threw his girlfriend out the window. Luckily, this allowed Karl time to put on his pants. Both men lunged at one another and good people, it was on - like Jeff Bridges' beard in King Kong. The fight went from the apartment, down the stairs, into the street, broke a fire hydrant, destroyed multiple lawns and lasted well into the night.

But who wins, right? Karl was your near complete package: Arian good looks, tall, quick, feisty temper, good at hand to hand and never met an automatic weapon he didn't like. Now Mr. Joshua - well, he's not particularly good looking, runs away well, bad temper, very good at hand to hand and also likes him some automatic weapons. So truthfully, sans the few times Mr. Joshua was not afraid to run away from impending danger to save-own-ass, these two 2nd in commands are basically the same fucking badguy. Except one's European and the other's American. One has flowing locks and the other doesn't. One was a professional ballet dancer and the other, well...is Gary Fucking Busey. Shit, these two guys would pummel each other to a pulp, especially if no AK-47's happened to be lying around. So once again...who wins?

Mr. Joshua in 41

As hard as this was, it really wasn't hard at all. The fight may have lasted a while and they may be cut from the same mold, but you have to have a winner and that winner is Mr. Joshua. Because Mr. Joshua has something Karl doesn't. Insanity. Come on, you can't tell me that the first time you heard "Mr. Joshua...your arm please." and Busey rolls up the sleeve and gets the age ole super flaming Bic to the arm to prove a point bidnez, you didn't think to yourself "That's one crazy muthafucka! And loyal..."? We all did. And when things are even, you look to the X factor, which in this case just so happens to be a whole lot of crazy. So, sorry Karl. You fought valiantly. But this time - I'm with Busey.

Kalee?

No Bay, Jose - An Editorial

When I was invited by Mark and Phil to be a contributor for Lazlo's Closet, I agreed very strongly with their anti-Michael Bay stance. I might even despise him and everything he stands for more than they do. To use pro wrestling speak, this is a shoot!

Why should I waste my time writing about someone I don't care for? I can't say that I have a legitimate answer for that. However, I've made it my personal mission to keep at least five strangers from going to see the new Bay atrocity. I was mortified today at work while listening to a podcast. One of the members on the panel of this particular podcast said that the new Transformers movie is tracking better than The Dark Knight. This really makes me doubt the movie going public as a whole. If that offends you, then tough shit. I believe it.

So, the movie has come out and it set the new record for a Wednesday opening. I believe that it made a little more than 60 million dollars. After this weekend, the movie will be well over 100 million-dollar mark. This is to be expected. Hype and fans will push this. However, I’m willing to bet that this movie doesn’t make what the original made which was 319 million and some change. How is that possible? Bay has hyped this movie as bigger, louder, and better than the original. You left one thing out, Michael. Your movie sucks.

Per Rotten Tomatoes, Transformers – Revenge Of The Fallen is coming in at 22%. That means out of 167 reviews that are posted on the site for the movie only 37 reviews are moderate to favorable. As I looked through the reviews today, I see words and phrases like “noisy”, “beaten to submission”, “no plot”, “way too long”, “poorly acted”, “misogynistic”, “foul mouthed”, and “racist”. The biggest movie of the summer is “racist”. Well, there are two new Transformers named Skids and Mudflap. Both have bug eyes, can’t read, speak in “ghetto speak”, and one of them has a gold tooth. Michael, you should’ve just named them Amos and Andy. It is clear that the studio and the powers that be were stupid enough to let Bay have cart blanche with this movie. They didn’t give a shit because they were still counting their fucking money from the last movie. All of these points are consistent across the board. Read the reviews. This movie is Michael Bay unfiltered. There was no one to tell him “No”. So, he shoots his version of a wet dream: money shot after money shot, followed by explosions.

This man needs to be stopped. If he was trying to commit career suicide, he might have pulled it off with two bird fingers waving in the air. Am I taking all of this too seriously? I don’t think so. I go to movies to enjoy them and to be entertained. When I hear bad reviews that share a common point of view across the board, I listen and I don’t go. As far as the studio with their tracking, they should do a better job and focus their money in other places. The proof is all there. Their movie has a 22% approval rating. The Dark Knight had a 94% approval rating and went on to be the second highest grossing film of all time.

You’ve been warned people. Don’t subject yourself to the hype. Just say no! Mark coined the phrase “No Bay, Jose”. They are three words to live by. Our ban on all things Bay is eight years and counting. There are plenty of empty seats that need filling on our Bay-less bandwagon. Do the smart thing and climb aboard. I’ll be back next week with a Selenium Apocalypse review of the new Sam Mendes movie, Away We Go. It comes highly recommended. -Rick.

Yes!

Director Michael Bay Apologizes To Strippers For Transformers Sequel

LOS ANGELES, CA - Apparently, it didn't take long for hot shot director Michael Bay to be noticed when he entered the Los Angeles strip club Spankey's. "I was on stage about to hit the 2nd verse of my favorite Whitesnake song when he walked in. He really just looked like your typical t-shirt and jeans early afternoon strip club douche bag," stated long time Spankey's employee Cinnamon, "It wasn't until the disco lights started reflecting off his black military cap with his name "Michael Bay" bedazzled across the front in cubic zirconia."

According to patrons, Bay (the director of such gems as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor & Transformers) made his way to the center stage and started pounding wine coolers. "It was Bartles & James raspberry delight," said "first time I've EVER been to a strip club ever" patron Jack, "I remember it well because I haven't seen anybody above the age of fifteen actually drink a fucking wine cooler. And I think his hat had fucking rubies or some shit on it. I don't know what that means, but it made me very uncomfortable." After a club record 15 wine coolers under his belt, Bay then hooked his ipod touch to 52in flatscreen and treated the entire club to an sneak peak at his new Transformers sequel. 47 year old unemployed truck driver Mervin was surprised. "Apparently he's some big ass movie director. I had no idea. I just thought he was one of those fuckballs, like RuPaul or Billy Zane. And that Zane dude really fucking sucks."

After the 2hr and 40 minute screening of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Bay kicked out the 4 other male patrons and turned the club into his own personal "Champagne Room" for a little Q&A. Part time dancer and shot girl Diamond said "Michael started asking all us girls what we thought about the movie and we all kinda looked at each other and pretended like it was good - just like when a guy whips out his weenie and it's the size of AAA battery. You know, like that." Nursing school student and mother of three Electra told us "Nobody wants to tell someone that their movie is a steaming pile of rhino shit, but this movie? Fuck me, man. I would've slit my throat if the movie wasn't so unbearably fucking loud that it was impossible for me to form any type of complex thought. And testicles on robots?! You heard me! Robotic scrotum, baby. The apocalypse must be fucking near with that shit. I mean, that would be like putting nipples on the Batsuit! It doesn't make sense!"

Apparently Peaches, a 19 year micro biology major, was the only dancer to be honest. "I told him the truth. That it was loud, confusing and near down right globally offensive. The action was so all over the place I couldn't tell what was going on, the lead chick - Megan Fox looked like she belonged up on stage here with me and the script was so insulting to anyone's intelligence that I would've walked out if the director wouldn't have been straddling my legs doing blow off my right ass cheek." All of the girls then agreed with Peaches, sending Bay into a drunken raspberry delight rage which lead to him passing out in his own vomit, awaking an hour later and apologizing to the entire staff of Spankey's. "He did apologize for that abortion of a movie he made us watch, which was nice," Peaches went on. "He stated he knew he took too many liberties and over estimated the movie going public. He broke down crying and dropped to his knees and begging me for forgiveness. He then swore that he would make it all right with the third Transformers movie."

Cinnamon leaned in onto Peaches, "He did. He said some shit like the third movie will make no attempt at a story at all. It'll be nothing but jiggling boobs in slow motion, low angle ass shots and plenty of shiny things exploding. He then said brilliant! My other movies have made stoooopid money with hardly any story at all. Just think if I make a movie completely devoid of any form of characterization or literary merit - we'll gross a fucking gazillion dollars! That's right, a gazillion bitches! Etch that in fucking stone! Then he left."

When asked if they would be looking forward to an even more brainless and intellectually retarded 2nd Transformers sequel, Electra stated, "I think I would rather be seen drinking wine coolers in public wearing nothing but a bedazzled cap with Michael Bay's name on it. Wait, I take that back. It's really a lose/lose situation either way. Maybe I'll just gouge out my eyes with a blunt bar utensil."

And with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opening today, only time will tell how accurate any of this truly is.

Transformers: A Suckfest in Disguise

Well, I have to be completely fucking honest with you people. We had these big plans for this week, being the opening week for the big, loud, noisy assfest known to the rest of the world as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - a Michael Bay film. We had all of this Bay bashing lined up, you know - the whole No Bay Jose! whatchamathinger. Us vs. him, Lazlo v. Bay in a grudge match. But you know, after reading the early reviews...I don't really think it effin' matters. Because this film will make most of its money in the first 2 weeks of release anyway (tell tale sign is when a movie opens mid week with no holiday weekend just days away) from the diehard T-Formers fanz, diehard fanz of Megan Fox's in the miracle of slow-motion or the sadly disallusioned fanz who would take a nut in the eye from Mr. Bay himself.

So as I ran through the reviews, one singular common thread ran throughn most all of the early reviews. That it sucks. (Honestly, the original idea was to write a real review of the film by someone who refuses to watch it.) So since we didn't get an advance invite to an early screening of the film (we couldn't have stomached going anyway), attached is a review that in my opinion comes as close to how I would've felt if I would have had my eyes pryed open by clamps, straightjacketed to a theater seat and had my ass Ludovico techniqued through this piece of shit. But since the reviews haven't been real good - why not lead off with a real one rather than a fake one (and I highlighted in red the good parts version).


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Review by Chris Tookey
The Daily Mail (UK)

The Decepticons are back, and they're looking to whup some Autobot ass! If the above sentence leaves you cold and uncomprehending, then congratulations - you are not the audience for this movie, which suggests that you have more discrimination than the submissive consumers who turned the first Transformers picture into a worldwide mega-hit, grossing more than $400million.

Sam (Shia LaBoeuf) is off to college, despite showing not the slightest evidence of cranial activity. His departure for Princeton saddens his proud parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White), who are so dim they don't mind much when their house is trashed by yet another extraterrestrial robot. I suppose it's something they got used to in the first movie.

Our hero is leaving behind his super-hot girlfriend (Megan Fox), who wears an awful lot of orange make-up and works as a mechanic for her ex-con father. This may or may not explain why she is reintroduced to us in a pair of very short shorts bending over a motorbike. Tragically, Sam's promising career as an astrophysicist is cut short by a blonde college girl on heat, who - like all Princeton undergraduettes in director Michael Bay's alternative universe - looks and behaves like a nymphomaniac lap-dancer. She French kisses him while secreting a nasty mechanical tail that comes twisting out of her bottom and reveals her to be - oh, no - a Decepticon!

You see, the Decepticons (evil robots from outer space) think that Sam has a shard of the Allspark that will get them something called the Matrix of Leadership, which their tyrannical dictator The Fallen needs to complete his victory over Optimus Prime, mighty leader of the Autobots - they're good robots from outer space.

Look, I don't make this stuff up. I merely report it. Despite the story being simple to the point of idiocy, it's impossible for any carbon-based lifeform to follow. That's because virtually all the dialogue is inaudible, drowned out by battles, explosions and gargantuan lumps of metal crashing into each other.

I noted down a few morsels: 'Punkass Decepticon, any last words?'; 'The boy will not escape - we have him in our sights!'; and 'There's another source of energon on this planet: the boy can lead us to it!' I have no idea why I wrote those lines down, still less what they mean. I was just grateful to be able to hear them.

Fans of the franchise will doubtless say I'm too ancient and poorly attuned to youth culture to enjoy it, though I was happy to appreciate other excursions into comic-strip kitsch, such as Men In Black, Spider-Man and the first three Terminator movies. Part of my dissatisfaction stems from the fact that it clocks in at an insanely overlong, boring, ear-splitting 149 minutes. But even if it were a more tolerable 90, it would still sum up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood.

Like its predecessor, it is only comprehensible as a merchandising opportunity. As usual with Michael Bay movies, the action is designed for shock and awe, but it's edited with such a shocking lack of continuity and shot so awfully close-up that it's impossible to work out what's happening, why or to whom - or what. It's no fun, because none of it makes you feel anything. It's just a massive avalanche of effects-driven excess.

And don't get me started on the acting. No one in this is any good, but the most woefully inept actor is Megan Fox, who wears the same wet-lipped, open-mouthed, vacant expression whether she is in mortal danger, expressing undying love for our hero, or hot-wiring a car. Mr Bay is especially fond of frontal shots of her running away from enormous explosions in a tight halter-neck top, while her breasts wobble from side to side in very slow motion.

The film seems to be aimed at extremely small boys, yet there are explicit references to sex and drugs that are wildly inappropriate in a movie with a PG certificate. Sights I am trying hard to forget include John Turturro in a posing pouch, and a chihuahua humping a pug - a 'gag' considered so hilarious by Bay, and so well suited to viewing by children, that he includes it three times.

For further non-comic relief, he comes up with two quarrelling, jive-talking autobots who must be the most annoying sidekicks and insulting ethnic stereotypes to have infested our multiplexes since the heyday of Jar Jar Binks.

The film is geographically all over the place, and assumes its audience will neither know nor care that the Jordanian ruins of Petra are not within a stone's throw of the Egyptian pyramids.
Bay is at his most obnoxious when he shows gigantic machines casually destroying icons of Ancient Egyptian civilisation. Some may find this a depressingly accurate metaphor for what people like him are doing to our own culture.

Verdict: More big, noisy junk from Michael Bay
Rating: A turkey


There you have it, folks - and from another critic (that I gave complete credit to!). Michael Bay sums up everything that is most tedious, crass and despicable about modern Hollywood. It's true. It's all true! Just ask this girl!

More tomorrow!

The Most Interesting Compliment in the World

"I don't read a lot of blogs. But when I do, I prefer Lazlo's Closet.

Keep reading, My friends."

Screen Cap Trivia 2.0

Well peeps, it's back - like that thing you get that requires the medicated shampoo. It's Screen Cap Trivia 2.0. We made it bigger, stronger, faster...we made it - well, easier. You see, we here at Lazlo's Closet understand completely that we are not impervious to the occasional mistake. Take the last Screen Cap Trivia post we did, many a reader complained that the quiz was almost too hard. I didn't think it was hard, but I also saw all the films which makes it hard to be really objective. You know?

So I went out of my way this time to challenge and make it a tad bit easier. So, if you like the flicks, then you should get most of these. Answer away! Good luck and Godspeed.

#1

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#10

Lazlo Essentials: For The Casual Film Fanatic - Summer Edition

Since we are deep in the Summer Silenium Apocalypse, I thought it would be prudent to mention three selections in the Lazlo Essentials list that are not necessarily summer movies but all have to do with our favorite season- Summer!

#110: Meatballs

The film that introduced the world to Bill Murray is a feel good summer comedy that still holds up in the laughs department. Directed by Ivan Reitman, Meatballs is chock full of C.I.T. antics and a good amount of 70's style hot chicks...erm with the exception of Murray's love interest Roxanne (Kate Lynch) I'm still trying to wrap my head around that casting choice... There is an unnecessary re-boot in the works for 2010 so get ready for another "Road Trip / American Pie / Sex Drive" formula film to attempt to replace a classic. Favorite Line - "She WANTS It Spaz!"

#250: Summer Rental

Summer rental is one of those movies that always seems to be on some channel somewhere at any given hour of the day. I love this film mostly for John Candy of course who plays Jack Chester an overworked air-traffic controller who just wants to take his family on a summer holiday and relax. Things get bad for the chester's as soon as they arrive and after pissing of local rich guy and Yachtsman (Richard Crenna) Jack has to beat him in a boat race to win back his pride and bring his family closer together. Favorite Character - Rip Torn as Capt. Scully that dude was born to play a pirate, even if this one runs a fish restaurant.

# 95: Summer Of Sam

A complete 180 from the last two pics by way of "mood" but Summer Of Sam I believe stands as one of Spike Lee's best films to date. The story about New York residents during the summer of 1977 and the time of the Son of Sam murders, Spike really brings back the decade in every way possible as a filmmaker, though his property master and wardrobe people should have been sacked. there were a few items in there that were way off the mark. Tongue piercings didn't really happen until the 80's in the punk scene, Army jackets from the wrong decade and a few other things but this is nit-picking really. what I loved most about S.O.S. was that I could feel the heat in some of those scenes it truly felt like he was filming during a heatwave. Favorite scene - Adrian Brody's dance of self destruction to the Who's Baba O'Rielly


Special Lazlo Essentials consideration for: Race For Your Life Charlie Brown

Rick's Picks: The Hangover (Selenium Apocalypse)

The Hangover
Starring Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zack Galifianakis, Justin Bartha
& Michael Tyson
Directed by Todd Phillips

I think I broke a rib. Seriously folks, it still hurts. It has been a long time since I laughed so hard that I could still feel it the next day. People, The Hangover physically hurt me last night, but in a good way. I can handle the soreness. It was worth it. This is one of the funniest movies I have seen in a long, long time. Sure, I’ve seen those that make me laugh and smile, but this thing was relentless. I’m talking start to finish. Believe me, the finish is possibly the best laugh in the whole film.

The Hangover was directed by Todd Phillips (Road Trip, Old School). I have laughed very hard at parts of his past two hits in the past. However, he’s finally put together the perfect formula that makes the laughs non-stop. He might give you a minute to catch your breath, but they are few and far between. Phillips just lets it rip in the movie. I’m talking no holds barred. It is crude, rude, brutal, and completely random. The characters go through so much shit in this movie in such a short amount of time, you can just imagine how bad they all smell when it’s all said and done.

The premise is very simple. The character of Doug (Justin Bartha) is getting married in two days and his best friends and future brother-in-law decide to take him on a hit and run trip to Las Vegas for his bachelor party. Bradley Cooper and Ed Helms play the best friends. They play Phil and Stu, respectively. Phil is a schoolteacher and family man. When he gets around his friends, he really lets his inner-scumbag rear its ugly head. Stu is a mild mannered dentist who is caught up in a bad relationship and really needs to blow off some steam. Rounding out the cast is Zach Galifianakis who plays Alan, Doug’s future brother-in-law. Alan is quite the simpleton and he lacks the social graces that the other ones possess in spades.

The plot is quite simple after this. The men go to the rooftop of Caesar’s Palace to start the night off with a toast. Alan, with best intentions at heart, buys a bottle of Jaegermeister for the toast. We later find out that he thought that he dosed the bottle of Jaeger with Ecstasy, but it was actually Rohipinol. We catch up with the group the morning after. Their suite is trashed and Doug is nowhere to be found. However, they have inherited a Bengal Tiger and a baby. The rest of the movie consists of the three friends trying to figure out what happened to themselves and to the groom-to-be. To sweeten the pot, there are glorified cameos by Mike Tyson, Heather Graham, and Ken Jeong. Jeong really chews up the scenery with the few minutes he gets of screen time.

This movie delivered on all levels and it comes highly recommended. In fact, I think it could only improve with multiple viewings due to the amount of in your face comedy and the subtle things that occur in the background. As I mentioned earlier, the best laugh of the entire movie might be during the end credits so stay in your seat when the credits start. See this film!!!

P.S. – On a total Geek level, Bradley Cooper is heavily rumored to be the frontrunner for the part of Hal Jordan/GREEN LANTERN. After seeing his performance in this movie, I think he definitely has the chops to wear the emerald tights.

A Letter to the Academy

June 5, 2009

Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
8949 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, Ca. 90211

Dear Academy,

Sorry, I'm a little nervous. I've never really talked to you before. Anyway, I wanted to drop you a quick line and let you know that I saw your Best Picture winner Slumdog Millionaire. And I just wanted to go on the record with you and say that...well, um - (nervous laughter) - I don't know how to say this...but I didn't get it. I mean I got it, but I didn't get it. The film was a good one, well acted with fast hard to read colorful subtitles and directed with indie flare by Danny Boyle, but if I'm going to be completely honest - it sure as shit wasn't the best picture of the year. Oh, sorry about the cursing Academy. I'll be more careful. And it sure as heckola wasn't better than fellow nominee The Curious Case of Benjamin Button or even The Dark Knight.

So what happened? You used to love the long, epic films about love and loss and growth. I lost valuable childhood months while HBO showed A Passage to India over and over and over again because of you. So why not now? Is it because you don't like you some David Fincher or some Brad Pitt or afraid to recognize a comic book movie as a film? Or maybe it had nothing to do with any of that. Was it that Danny Boyle was an indie darling with Shallow Grave and Trainspotting then was a Hollywood failure with Life Less Ordinary and The Beach then went back to his indie roots? Was it because he shot an indie film in India or an Indian film as an indie film as an American film in India by an Englishman? I'm at a loss.

But Academy, I just want you to know I always had the utmost respect for you. I used to listen to you, respect your decisions and see the films you rewarded with your prize. But now - I just don't get it. I had always heard the "urban legend" that the hype machine always played a part in your decisions from time to time, but I knew this could not be true. Now I know that this crazed conspiracy theory is no longer a theory. It is a sad reality. You didn't make your decision based on merit. You made it based on fabricated studio hype :( That makes me sad, Academy. That makes me sad.

Now don't get me wrong. I love me a good slums to riches story as much as the next guy and I truly liked Slumdog Millionaire as well. It was well directed, well photographed, nicely acted and a very cool cinematic story that unfolds beautifully. But come on, level with me. Just between us - do you guys really think Rocky is better than Network, All the President's Men or Taxi Driver? As much as I love Rocky, it was not the best overall film released that year. Best feel good? Yes. Best film? No. And the same, in my humble opinion, applies to Slumdog. And while I think it is noble for you to recognize the issue of poverty in India, slapping it with your Best Picture statue doesn't help that issue nor should it make a film any better. It may make it politically correct, but it doesn't change it's cinematic value. Just like in the office Oscar pool - if there's a documentary involving genocide, pick it to win. Doesn't mean it's the best, it just means your chances are better at stealing that category.

So to sum up - Slumdog Millionaire - well, it affected me but didn't linger. I remember it, but it wasn't memorable. It was really good, but it wasn't the best. But hey - what's done is done, Academy. No real hard feelings because there's always next show, right? And that's a show I look forward to seeing. Why? It's the same reason I watch every year. I think maybe, just maybe - that this year you'll get it right. Here's to hoping.


Warmest regards,

Lazlo's Closet

p.s. - Shakespeare in Love? Reeeeeally?

Rick's Picks: Land of the Lost (A Selenium Apocalypse Early Review)

Land of the Lost (June 5, 2009)

Starring Will Ferrell, Anna Friel, Danny McBride, Jorma Taccone

Directed by Brad Silberling

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This past Memorial Day, I lost some serious brain cells. I’m positive I’m not the only one. This was not because I smoked a bunch of pot or drank too much. The culprit for this loss of brain cells was watching hours of Land Of The Lost marathon that was running all day on the Sci Fi Network. When I was a kid, this show was the coolest thing next to Batman for me. It had Sleestaks, dinosaurs, and other creatures. For back then, the special effects were cutting edge. As I laid in my bed trying to rekindle memories from childhood, I was left with laughter at how absurd this show was. The acting was beyond awful, the special effects were on an Ed Wood level, and the story line of each episode was which kid was going to get themselves in trouble. I knew it was bad, but I was compelled to watch hours of this. I guess all I took away from it was a little nostalgia. I asked myself how any of this would really translate to the big screen in today’s day and age.

The answer was simple. Will Ferrell.

Last night, I attended the sneak preview of Land Of The Lost at the Alamo Drafthouse (the greatest Movie theatre in the USA). This was set up and sponsored by Ain’t It Cool News and Universal Pictures. In attendance was Land Of The Lost creator Marty Krofft, director Brad Silberling, and composer Michael Giacchino. Attendees were told to arrive by 5:30 for all the pre-show activities. You could have your picture taken and have it superimposed on the movie poster for the film. This made for incredible people watching. All attendees were given some very bizarre gifts from the Universal reps. Everyone got a nice Land Of the Lost baseball cap and a Chaka backpack. Very creepy! Once in the theatre, our next surprise was a free appetizer platter of goodies that the Alamo chefs whipped up for this special night. Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool did a Q & A with Marty Krofft, Brad Silberling, and Michael Giacchino. As the theatre lights dimmed, we were all treated to a video introduction by stars Will Ferrell and Danny McBride. After that, it was show time folks!

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Land Of The Lost is based on the original show, but not by much. Make no mistake, this is a Will Ferrell comedy through and through. If you like Anchorman, Semi-Pro, Blades Of Glory, and Talladega Nights, you will love this movie. If you hated these movies, I forgive you if you stopped reading. Also, this is not one to bring the kids to. This movie really pushes the PG-13 rating. I just don’t think I would want to explain to my children what “Tap that ass” means. You’ve been warned.

Farrell plays Dr. Rick Marshall. Marshall believes that he has found the secret to finding parallel universes through time warp technology. Marshall is considered a nut case and is reduced to doing science lectures for children on field trips. His fate changes when Holly Cantrell (Anna Friel) comes to meet him. Holly is a true believer in Marshall’s theories. She convinces him to go on an expedition with her.

They end up at this cheap haunted cave tourist trap that is run by Will Stanton (Danny McBride). As Marshall, Will, and Holly enter the cave, Marshall’s tachyon amplifier freaks out and the three are rushed through a portal to a weird sideways universe where strange prehistoric creatures can attack and eat an ice cream truck (including its driver). Once there, they befriend a monkey boy named Chaka (Jorma Taccone). Chaka, after much humping of legs and grabbing of breasts, becomes the group’s guide through this land.

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Marshall’s first nemesis he encounters is Grumpy, the T-Rex. Many scenes in the movie are of Marshall being chased by Grumpy. What make these scenes funny is that Marshall is either screaming or spouting out an external monologue the entire time he’s being chased. These were some of my favorite scenes in the film. The other nemeses that the group encounters are the evil lizard people, the Sleestaks. I loved them on the old show and I love them today and they still move as slow as molasses. When escaping the Sleestaks, they happen upon a talking Sleestak named Enik (John Boylan). Enick convinces the group that they must find their tachyon amplifier and use it to stop the evil Zarn (voiced by Leonard Nimoy!!!!!).

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That’s the first half of the movie. You’re going to have to pay to see how it all ends up. Ferrel and McBride just feed off of each other in this film. I’m sure that a great majority of their lines were ad-libbed. You don’t write lines like “Captain Kirk’s nipples!” when discovering something. What’s so great about the Holly character is that she’s the smartest person in the group throughout. She’s also not afraid to take on an army of Sleestaks by herself. Anna Friel kicks some serious ass people! Friel and McBride are really going to take off in their respective careers after this movie.

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There are jerk-off jokes, drug use, and gay jokes galore in this film. Even something that I never considered, bathroom humor with dinosaurs. This is mindless humor, people, that you either giggle at or you don’t. The special effects are really well done. There are so many creatures in this movie and they look as good as if they strolled in from Jurassic Park. The sets design kept the ambiance of the old show, which I appreciated. As different as it was from the old show, I was able to grab little bits of nostalgia - especially from the Sleestaks.

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Overall, I enjoyed the movie and the whole experience. I’ve done these things before, but never on this scale. The Universal reps really out did themselves. They were very hospitable and made sure that we enjoyed the experience to the fullest. Also, thanks go out to Ain’t It Cool News and Harry Knowles for booking these amazing events. I wonder what premiere is heading this way next. Stay tuned!

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Drag Me To Hell (Selenium Apocalypse)

Drag Me To Hell
Starring Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Lorna Raver, David Paymer
Directed By Sam Raimi
Review By Phil

Alright I just want to get this out right off the bat. I am a very big Sam Raimi fan, I have been for quite a long time, I own CRIMEWAVE on Beta for crying out loud! That being said, I don't want those who know me or those who have just read the little fun fact about my fandom above to think that I will be playing favorites here. I don't want Lazlo's Closet readers to think that just because I would buy EVIL DEAD toothpaste and bed linens (should they ever become available on the market) that I would be swayed into going all soft and write anything but the hard truth about Mr. Raimi's long awaited return to the genre that made him a legend. I will be a stickler for detail and...Aww Hell it was AWESOME!

Drag Me To Hell is the story of Christine (Alison Lohman) a nice girl in a job where nice just doesn't cut it, a bank loan office. Her boss Mr. Jacks (David Paymer) is deciding between sweet Christine and suck-ass, kiss up Stu (Reggie Lee) for a promotion to assistant VP, but to really pull out in front Christine needs to show Mr. Jacks that she can make some hard decisions and toughen up a bit. Christine decides to flex her administrative muscles on the wrong person however as elderly Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) is turned away and shamed by Christine's uncompassionate response to her pleas for help fearing forclosure on her home. The old crone is escorted from the building and Christine is praised for the way she handled the situation by her boss, but later that evening waiting in the underground garage is the Raimi fans favorite reoccurring extra, Sam's very own 1973 Oldsmobile idling in the dark. Christine recognizes it as the old woman's car and quickly gets into her own carand that my friends is when THE SHIT GETS REAL Y'ALL! Or at least thats what all the people behind me in the theater started screaming into thier un-silenced cell phones to whoever couldn't come out to the movie with them!

Side note - I can't wait for Lazlo's Closet to be truly acknowledged as an entertainment blog of merit for the critiquing and creating of "buzzworthyness" for movies resulting in perhaps more advance screening passes for upcoming films by the studios so we can attend screenings where people actually go to the movies to SEE and HEAR the film... God I hate my local theater, or maybe it's just the locals...moving on.

Mrs. Ganush says, "Turn off your cell phones and shut the fuck up!"

After a knock down drag out between Christine and Mrs. Ganush involving one of the most creative use of office supplies ever depicted on film, the Gypsy curse is on and Christine with the help of a fortune teller (Dileep Rao) discovers she has only three days before a Demonic creature will come to claim her body and soul literally dragging her straight to Hell. Also along for the ride is Christine's boyfriend Clay ( Justin Long) who is the films non-believer who really doesn't add much to the mix but served his purpose supporting his woman through her supernatural ordeal.

There is a great deal of "Fun House" type scares in the film where a quick extreeme close-up of anything and a blast of sound so loud you can't help but jump in your seat, but there are also a lot of genuine tension building scares as well. the shadows creeping around the house stalking Christine are so great and the impending beat down that we know is coming by the supernatural force as she closes herself in her room feels kin to being a kid and waiting for the doctor to come into the room with a big ass needle! (you know something is coming for you and it's going to hurt and theres nothing you can do about it) By far the scene that shows us Raimi at the top of his game is the seance scene complete with a sacraficial goat that gets real evil that brought me back to the days where horror films -
1. Were not a remake of some Japanese film
2. Didn't need nudity or sex scenes to keep the audience's attention
3. Had an actual STORY not just multiple scenes of tourture
4. Had no eyeballs being forceably injested by the main charac...oh wait scratch that.

Drag Me To Hell is not a perfect film, and with a PG-13 rating it is not exactly a return to the days of EVIL DEAD but it doesn't need to be (My plea to the many un-happy fan boys out there) Sam does scary/funny in his sleep. The slapstick gore may be watered down a touch but the heart is still there. I for one am very glad to see him getting back to his roots, and only hope for more. I only wish the rest of Ghost House Pictures stable of films was as enjoyable. The point? I had a fun time seeing this flick, and it was a good feeling.

Rick's Picks: X-Men Origins: Wolverine & Terminator Salvation (Selenium Apocalypse)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston & Ryan Reynolds
Directed by Gavid Hood

Reviewed by Rick

got plot?

I have witnessed the badness that is X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Tom Rothman and the assholes that run 20th Century Fox have struck again. The only difference this time is that they had help from the star of the film, Hugh Jackman. This studio has destroyed four potential Marvel franchises now. For those of you who aren’t keeping score, they are Daredevil, Fantastic Four, X-Men, and Wolverine. I’m sure there is plenty of blame to go around, but the writing on the wall is obvious. Marvel needs to somehow get these properties away from Fox, and get them back under the wings of Marvel Studios. Let me get down off of the soapbox and give you what you really want.

This is the part of the review where I had 3 paragraphs giving you a detailed breakdown of the film. But I deleted them all because this piece of shit doesn't deserve the additional space on this blog. There is simply no excuse for this movie to be as bad as it was. There were no budget constraints. The movie had $140 million dollars to play with. The result is a movie that looked like they spent $60 million. All of the CGI stuff was all over the place. When you’d see something cool , it would be followed by three effects that looked shitty.

Writers David Benioff and Skip Woods should give their paychecks back for doing such a poor job with the script. I can see it in action lines:

LOGAN looks toward the sky and screams with berserker rage.

(Yes, this happens at least four times during this film. But don't just take my word for it, you be the judge...)

LOGAN holds KAYLA in his arms. She is dying and LOGAN knows it.

KAYLA
I’m so cold.

LOGAN looks toward the sky and screams with berserker rage.

I started cracking up laughing when I heard that. Do you see what I’m saying? How cliché can you get? This was so awful. A character like Wolverine has decades of source material to work with, and they write crap like this. There is absolutely no character development at all. Logan just drifts from bad situation to worse situation with no explanation.

The performances were more miss than hit. Hugh Jackman has been a great as Wolverine in the X-Men movies. He runs or walks around this movie saying bad one-liners, corny dialogue, and yelling at the sky. Can he kick ass? He does a few times. THIS IS FUCKING WOLVERINE! I want berserker rage off the charts and Logan slaughtering goons in fake military gear. You know what I’m talking about. Liev Schreiber does his best psychopath impression as Victor Creed. Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson aka Deadpool kicks some ass for the ten minutes of screen time that he has. I wonder if Executive Producer, Hugh Jackman, told the writers to only give Reynolds a little bit of kick ass. Feeling the heat Hugh? The ladies like them some Ryan Reynolds. Danny Huston sleepwalks through the role of William Stryker. I say they should’ve used some of that Benjamin Button CGI and de-age Bryan Cox. It’s not like they didn’t have the money for it. I have to say one performance was not that bad. Taylor Kitsch as Gambit gets a golf clap. He did an admirable job with not much to work with.

I had read to stay through the credits for a little bonus scene. I got up and walked out. I didn’t care. The collective “they” ruined that movie. I was pissed off. So, the other day I looked up what the secret scene was. It’s Logan in a bar in Japan slamming Whiskey. The bartender asks him if he’s drinking so much to forget something. Logan responds that he’s drinking so much to try to remember. Wrong answer, Wolvie! I would drink to forget that this movie ever happened. Don’t see this movie! The Selenium Apocalypse banishes this film to the barren wasteland where it belongs.

And now for something completely different...

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Terminator Salvation
Starring Christian Bale, Sam Worthington
Directed by McG
Reviewed by Rick

I remember watching The Terminator at my friend’s house in 1985. Arnold Schwarzenegger became “THE MAN” in this film. He would continue to ride his wave of success throughout the rest of the eighties and into the nineties. He was perfect in this role as the cold-blooded killing machine. The Terminator’s target was to kill Sara Connor played by Linda Hamilton. The reason that Sara had to be killed is that her unborn son, John Connor, will one day rise up and lead the resistance movement against the machines in the future. Michael Bien played Kyle Reese. He was the soldier from the future that was sent back in time to protect Sara Connor from the Terminator. He also is John Connor’s father. I know you start playing with these time lines and everything gets a little fuzzy. However, I remember after watching the film and how fired up I was. Sure, we’d just watched a pedal to the metal, all out action, sci fi classic. I told my friend that the movie was cool, but I want to see the future war. During the film, there were many flash-forwards to what the future war looked like. Metal Terminators firing lasers at the resistance fighters, flying ships that were attacking, and a fighting field that was littered with the skulls and bones of the humans that perished on Judgment Day.

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That was 24 years ago. I really thought that my wish was going to come through last Friday. I was going to see Terminator Salvation. I was finally going to see the future war. Was it worth the wait? I would have to answer yes, but with some reservations. Mark and I saw the movie together while I was visiting New Orleans last weekend. If you’ve read his review, he pretty much hit on all of the big plot points, so I won’t bore you with a rehash. However, we saw the same film and had very different reactions to it. He was on the fence, but leaning toward not liking it. I had enjoyed the film, and saw much hope for the future of the franchise.

Let me first get my gripes out of the way. This film takes place in 2018, and John Connor is not the resistance leader yet. He’s like the 6th man down the chain of command. I think that this was a tactical error by McG and the writers. We had just watched the character of John Connor grow up in the previous two movies. It was his time to shine. Instead, this film makes Connor a secondary character and shows his rise to the leader we want to see. I agree with Mark on the “Scooby Doo/bad guy long explanation of the secret plan at the end so the audience won't be in the dark at all ending”. Don’t spoon feed your audience. We also agree that the napalming of your secret base was not very clever considering your trying to kill one person/cyborg. I wasn’t crazy about the lame score that Danny Elfman wrote. A rule should be in effect that if you make a Terminator film, you must hire Brad Fiedel. He scored the first two films and his music added so much to those films.

I enjoyed the performances of all of the lead actors. I think that Christian Bale was very good as Connor. He played Connor very intense, and nobody does intense better than Bale these days. But in the quiet moments, he shows what a burden it is to be this prophesied leader of the human race. He plays Connor like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and he actually does. Sam Worthington plays Marcus Wright with just enough bravado without overdoing it. He’s the anti-hero of the film. He needs to watch that Aussie accent coming out in some scenes. Anton Yelchin gives the best performance of the film. He absolutely nails the young Kyle Reese. He has the same tone, voice, and look as Michael Bien.

This film is a war movie and I thought that it did its job in accomplishing that. The action and special effects are top notch. You can tell that this movie had a serious budget and it looked every bit of it. I liked the movie, but I wanted to love it. It’s far from perfect, but I like the direction that they’re taking it. I just wish that the future movie was this movie. There we go with those crazy time lines again. FUZZY!

I wanted to apologize for not having a Drag Me To Hell review. I was supposed to go to an advance screening on Tuesday night, but it didn’t work out logistically. I plan on coming through with an advance review of Land Of The Lost. I look forward to the return of Phil. In all seriousness, he should be the one to do the Drag Me To Hell review. Phil likes him some good scary Raimi. Make it so, Number One!