Just the other day, Phil and I were pondering the immortal words of Socrates who said: "Why the fuck aren't these movies on DVD?!" Alright, there's a good chance that Socrates never pondered why his favorite films were never released digitally in a small, semi-flexible discus format. But none-the-less, I know all of you poor bastards have had that same thought at least at one time or another, just as we did. So why, then? Why are these films not readily available for my grimy hands to pop out of it's case and slap it into my DVD player so as to actually be able to view this film without ever having the thought "Why won't the tracking button get rid of that unholy jump at the bottom of the screen? Wait...fuck! Now it's at the top!". Well, if you throw out reason, intellectual thought, cost and the fact that none of these gems could even come close to scaring up a profit, I can't find one solid reason.
So here goes, but understand - this isn't the top 10 DVD-less films of all time. So don't start yelling at us about "Why ain't Bullies on your list? It's only Olivia D'Abo's finest performance like, ever" or "where in the fuck is Big Bad Mama 2? This blog is ass!". It's a the first 10 that popped into our heads list. But feel free to comment on a movie you want on DVD, just no yelling. You may wake up Phil's children.
So, in no particular order, well except the first one...
1. Megaforce
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What kind of a world do we live in where I can Netflix Spacehunter, Battle Beyond the Stars, Ice Pirates or fucking Solarbabies...but no Ace Hunter sporting the thin headband holding back his long, feathered wisps of manly hair firing missiles from flying motorcycles? Dear Anyone with the ability to distribute DVD's: For the love of Jesus Christ, help me give you money.
It's deeds not words, Janet. Damnit!
2. SpellbinderI had a thing for Kelly Preston back in the 80's and early 90's and I remember this to be one of her best.
Spellbinder starred Tim Daly, Rick Rossovich along side Kelly Preston and a whole lotta witchcraft. Nothing but some goold ole' fashioned straight-to-video fun from 1988 and a must for Preston fans, pre
Wings Daly fans or any of the 7 members from the Rick Rossovich Fan Club. Lord knows they do who love them some Slider. (And yes guys! I will finally sign your "Release
Pacific Blue" petition. )
3. Jack's BackI saw this movie one time back when it first came out in the late 80's. But I really can't remember anything about it except that it was a modern day Jack the Ripper starring Spader in a duel role as twins and one was left handed (and I think that was a twist). So I looked it up the other day and realized that it also starred my favorite
Youngblood actress Cynthia Gibb and was directed by none other than Rowdy "I directed the crap out of
Road House" Herrington! And, ahem, I really think I liked it. I need to confirm this in a digital format.
4. The UnnamableA film so bad, not even H.P. Lovecraft could drum up a handle for this freakshow that was supposed to be scary. But it wasn't. It was really kinda boring. But the title always cracked me up. And if a film dares to name itself after an unnamable monster thus technically rendering the film nameless, well to me - you deserve a spot in my collection, Big Guy. If it were only available, hmmmm.....
5. Alligator 2For a film as awesomely cheeseball as
Alligator, when there's a sequel that I had no idea even existed...well then, I need to own it. (side note - In a drunken stupor, I wanted to put
Prospero's Books by Peter Greenaway here but Phil called bullshit. You know what? On second thought go ahead and yell. Wake up his kids for all I care...)
6. Killer FishAlright, truth. Phil and I are saddened and pained to admit that we've never seen
Killer Fish. Because we really, really, really, really, really, really, really need to see this film. Lee Majors. Karen Black. Ill tempered marine life. Simply put: required viewing.
Phil says he doesn't even care about DVD, he'll take Beta if need be.
7. Hercules vs The HydraJayne Mansfield in a Hercules film. Like chocolate and nugget or shower scenes and abandoned, remote cabins in the woods near an insane asylum - a combination near impossible to deny. There's no reason to explain what this film is about because it's awful and bad and ridiculously amazing! If you don't believe me, check out this actual review from Amazon...
3.0 out of 5 stars, August 10, 2008
By Deacon Mo (Colorado)There are at least 3 reasons to like this film:1. Yes, yes; Jayne's body is mesmerizing. 2. Some of the sets are just fantastic. Much imagination and craft went in to creating them.I love the fact that they only give us 2 of the 3 reasons. So, if you love films with fantastic sets or Jayne Mansfield's body, look no further my friends. But I'm still unsure if the fantastic sets comment was with pun intended.
Actual "non English" poster
8. Mindwarp"A non stop spiral of action and suspense" starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm. Um, do you even need to know what this baby is about? It's got Bruce, Angus and a spiral of action and suspense. And the back of the box says "see it at your own risk." For whatever that's worth to ya...Hell, I think even Faces of Death had that on the box. Now that's fucking surious! And we're both Bruce whores so it really doesn't matter what it's about.
9. WhoreWhen the director of
Altered States &
Lair of the White Worm hooks up with Theresa Russell playing a - well you know, the title kinda says it all. Gritty and uncompromising and directed by Ken Russell. But the best version to own is the one from Spain (for translation purposes alone).
10. Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn
Okay, All I know is that I saw this film in the theater and there's a real good chance that at that time I probably thought it was greatest film ever made. But as of today, I feel fairly confident that I was probably dead ass wrong about that. Truth is, I can't remember a fucking thing about this movie. I have no idea where in the hell the city of Jared Syn is, let alone how or when it was destroyed. And what about this freak Metalstorm? What is a Metalstorm? How did it form? Are they relegated to a certain part of the world or atmospheric conditions? Is a Metalstorm what actually caused the Mayans to stop creating calendars? Or maybe that's what destroyed Jared Syn! Wait, I think Kelly Preston was in this bastard too.
I guess I could read the synopsis on Amazon or imdb it, but that would be too easy. Give me a DVD release so I can settle this the way Jesus intended - by watching it on DVD. In stereo (see box)

Or I could just ask Sam...

Fair enough.