5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 5

I just want to be completely clear. I said 5 days of trailers. But I never said 5 days in a row! So here is our 5th and final trailer, completely sans holiday merit or cheer and a trailer that
I'm fully aware has been out since ComicCon - but fork it, it just looks so goddamn spanking cool it had to be included...

Now if only I can get my reboot of The Last Starfighter...

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 4

I loved Clash of the Titans when I was a kid. I even went so far as to ask my father to whittle mini wooden statues of every person I knew so I could perform god-like manipulation. But, surprisingly, he wasn't really down with the whole idea. Now that being said, if I were to say that to me this remake (in trailer form before us) seems so completely wrong in every flippin' way imaginable - does that make me old, crabby and unaccepting of change? Or does that make me smack dab on the money. I mean, do you remake a classic, even if you can update the hell out of it? I don't know - maybe I'd feel better if it didn't have the "slo-mo super leap for the kill" shot in the trailer. Maybe I'm wrong...

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 3

I remember reading an early review of the novel this film is based on about three or so years ago in Entertainment Weekly. The first thing I said was this would make a great movie. Well, I hate to say I told ya' so (especially since I technically never told any of you anything about this novel or film so you'll just have to trust me), but it does appear I was correct.

And what could suck about this film anyway? Aragorn versus evil and hungry post apocalyptic survivors? I'm in people.

The only question I have is doesn't it seem that the bad guys in post apocalyptic films always have the nastiest teeth? I mean fucking narly, Man. Just an observation.

Now word on the street is that depending on where you eat, it is possible to get your hands on some bad gumbo. And Day 4 of Trailer Gumbo will attempt to prove that very point.

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 2

For day 2, I decided to start with the director of Memento and The Dark Knight and sprinkle with a wickedly ominous score, throw in Phil's favorite actor Leo Dicaprio (you know - the guy who hadn't even acted before those trio of Scorsese pictures) then add a major mindfuck/sci-fi element and you've got yourself one of the better teaser trailers ever spliced together. The only problem with this movie is that it appears to be infringing on Phil's idea for a big budget film inspired by Cheap Trick's Dream Police. Same kinda thing happened to me with my idea for a shot by shot remake of Hitchcock's Rope. I guess thems is the breaks.

Now this has been out for about 3 months now, so I guess we ain't really breaking new ground here. But since it's releasing in summer 2010 and it's only friggin' 1:02 long - just watch the damn thing again will ya?

Tomorrow? Something wicked this way comes and I ain't talking about Jonathan Pryce's freak-ass circus. Or it'll probably just be another cool trailer. Who knows -

5 Days of Trailer Gumbo: Day 1

Start with the director of Chicago, then mix generously with Fellini's 8 1/2 and an all-star cast including some of that Stacy Ferguson and Blamo! Potential cinematic (and Fergalicious) awesomeness simmers before you. And I don't care if you don't like musicals (I am not a huge fan myself), but if you like cinema then this film is for you because Nine seems to have , quite simply - gotten it right. And it's fucking Fellini set to music, for Christ's sake!

Now if I can just convince Rob Marshall to do one of his adaptations on Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange or Tarkovsky's The Mirror...

Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL DVD Coming Soon

The Official DVD companion to the novel Rue Morgue Magazine calls “The best fiction book of 2008” Stephen Romano Presents SHOCK FESTIVAL, A 3-Disc Audio and Video Exploitation Extravaganza Featuring Over 7 Hours of the Most Rare and Unusual Exploitation Trailers, TV Ads and Radio Spots from the Age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!

Take a wild journey through the exploitation movie scenes of the 1970s and 1980s with this collection of hundreds of actual previews of coming attractions, television commercials and radio spots for the sleaziest, sexiest most off-the-wall films ever made; all digitally re-mastered from Original Film Elements.


Find yourself thrust into a world of madmen and ghouls, perverts and lusty ladies – and wait till you get a load of all the special extra features we’ve cooked up just for this release! Interviews, a SHOCK FESTIVAL poster, original music and a batch of specially produced trailers based on the amazing fictional b-movie worlds of Stephen Romano’s acclaimed novel, SHOCK FESTIVAL. This must-have collector’s set includes over 7 hours of amazing stuff you won’t find anywhere else! Brand New Media Inspired By the Best, Worst and most Outrageous Trailers From Horror and Exploitation!
The 2 DVD + 1 CD set is available Feb. 9th, 2010 from Bloody Earth Films

If you think you’ve seen it all, think again…

The DVD Set is PACKED with extras and I loves me them extra bits:

• Over 7 hours of the most rare and unusual exploitation trailers, TV ads and radio spots from the age of GRINDHOUSE CINEMA!
• Over 4 Hours of the most unique, amazing and outrageous exploitation and horror trailers from the 1970s and 1980s!
• Interview with Independent International Pictures President Sam Sherman
• Commentary tracks by Stephen Romano and Uncle Creepy www.dreadcentral.com
• Audio disc containing over 3 hours of exploitation radio spots plus original music on MP3s, ready to plug into your iPod, computer or CD player!
• Bonus Collector’s Poster with Original Artwork by artist and author, Stephen Romano!
• Shock Festival image gallery! All New Posters! Special Features!

And check out the teaser...I mean c'mon this is some cool shit! Everyone is loving the Grindhouse lately and we are so glad that Bloody Earth Films / Alternative Cinema have created such a gore filled love letter to an awesome genre.

It's Been...How Long?

Alright, alright...I know - and please no yelling. But yes we - um - suck. But you gotta understand, there has to be a perfectly understandable excuse for why we haven't posted a flippin' thing since August. Right? But before I get to that, did I mention that we suck?

So, due to the overwhelming amount of non-blog related projects before Phil and I, unfortunately something had to give. Not give up on, just give like when you want to watch Fanboys but based on a special intuition you have you end up with the new Matt McConaughey dramedy? Yes, just taking a little breather to get caught up on all those loose ends out there that are the projects we like to call the "potentially paying" ones. A hiatus if you will. Now look, I never said the reason we haven't posted anything in 2 months would be a swank and supacool little number, it's just the God's honest truth. But if you don't buy any of this or feel we should have come up with something better, here's a list of excuses that may or may not be better than we were, you know - just fucking busy.

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1. Completely overwhelmed by the duties involved in being a member of the Fisher Stevens fan club.

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2. Tooling around with my long overdue idea for a big budget Simon & Simon movie.

3. Listening to way too much Escape Club. (Okay, that's just Phil. Okay, not really.)

This is an accurate depiction of people who actually lived in the wild, wild west.

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4. Our server was maliciously hacked, infected and crashed during a bitter feud with Birdemic director and self proclaimed Master of Romantic Thrillers tm James Nguyen. Luckily, Rod drove up in an Aerostar and had our backs with CGI gunfire. ***

Duck season? Rabbit season? Neither, it's fucking bird season!

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*** Please note that Rod is a character in the movie Birdemic and couldn't actually cover us with a steady, suppressing fire in any way, shape or form due to the fact that he is not a real person. Therefore, the #4 above statement that was made cannot be interpreted as anything but a joke intended to entertain through spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter - i.e. it's not true. Now the tm at the end of "Master of Romantic Thrillers tm", well, apparently that's a completely different issue altogether.

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5. Suspended by Blogger for this way too risque page header.

Just think what would've happened with our Dirk Diggler header...

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6. Watching Friday the 13th the Series in the sequential episode order as Frank Mancuso Jr. and Jesus intended. And in the preferred format of DVD rather than the episode order that I taped off the Sci-Fi Channel 10 years ago via 8hr extended play BASF VHS tapes.

Now with the Extra Quality!

So, if you rather the funny, there it is. If not, seriously what's been going on is that Phil and I have been scripting comic books for an upstart online comic book website, putting the finishing touches on our short film script and budget and also writing a horror script for a independent studio that loved our pitch. Throw in a Ghost Hunters monthly comic, work and coaching Under 6 girls soccer, well you kinda mostly probably get the picture.

But going forward, our love for the blog will be back very, very soon - even if it's only 1 or 2 posts a week. And thanks for hanging with us.

And as an added apology bonus, here's a picture of Ethan Hawk in disguise.

Listen all ya'll this is SABOTAAAAAAGE!

Whitney Moore from Comic Con 2009: The Lazlo Exclusive Better Late Than Never Post

Earlier this year, we were blessed by the gods by being allowed to see one of the most wacked out, outrageously insane films ever transferred from digital video to DVD entitled Birdemic. Indirectly, or actually directly, because of said viewing of Birdemic, we were allowed to meet one of the coolest girls on the fucking planet - Birdemic lead actress Whitney Moore. So as Comic Con 2009 crept all up on us, Whitney asked if Lazlo's Closet was going to be able to make it to the little shindig. Sadly (and obviously) we were not able BUT since we weren't able - she so kindly offered to do a little correspondence for us and snap a few pics along the way. Now that all of our technical difficulties are behind us (and we had our fair share which is why this is soooo late), we proudly give you Whitney Moore from Comic Con - summing up the experience, answering 5 very important questions and most importantly, preserving that experience in pictures.

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-Mark

San Diego Comic Con was a few weeks ago, and it drew in over 150,000 costumed and comic- crazed fans, myself included. The convention hall was flooded with comic book fans, gamers, artists, and quite a few screaming teenagers hoping to catch a glimpse of the Twilight cast. In between working at my local comic store's booth and trying not to pass out in my latex-pvc catsuit, I nestled myself into the heart of the crowd in attempts to get close to the stars of my current guilty pleasure, HBO's True Blood. I even got the autographs of some favorite comic book writers of mine, Warren Ellis and Eric Powell. As the back issue dust settled and the costumes were peeled off and hung up for the year, the sun set on another fantastic year for comics and pop culture junkies alike. Like many I'll be up with ink-stained fingers until the dawn of next year's Convention.

- Whitney Moore

1. Best costume (besides yours): My favorite costumes were the guys who did Spy vs. Spy.

Actually, I change my answer. The Spider Jerusalem has to be one of my favorites-- He was even in character! I never declared no backzies so I'll allow the answer change.

Alright, he is kinda badass.

2. Worst costume: NO MORE FAT LEIAS!

We don't have any obese Princess Leia pictures,

so enjoy this so very not-obese Whitney Moore as Danger Girl picture.

But what in the hell is she shooting at?

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Never mind, I remember. Moving on...

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3. Favorite part: Being within a 10 foot radius of the sexy stars of True Blood.

Alan Ball's my fav. Not really.

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4. Least favorite: The Twilight Fans (wretch)...And yes, I see that as hypocritical.

A pic having nothing to do with Twilight.

And finally, Number 5. Better than last year? No. Last year was much bigger and busier, plus it was my first year. But this year was still awesome!

Last year may have been slightly better, but this year had fisticuffs. Or dancing.

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That's it for the questions. Here's the rest of the best. Or the best of the rest. Whatever.

Whitney posing for what was probably the only picture taken of her that day.

Of course I was kidding.

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He wreaked havoc all over Gotham, never allowing anyone to get close to him

It took Abbey Chase all of 3 seconds with nothing but tight pants and a big gun.

"Does anyone wanna see a magic trick?"

Venkman & Spengler have not aged well. Not. At. All.



Well - there it is...







You gotta respect the Sith Lord for not going for
the old "hand on the ass" trick here.




That's more than we can say for Robin...

And quite possibly the coolest pic of them all.

So that's it from Comic Con 2009: The Better Late Than Never Edition. Hope all enjoyed the pics and a super big thanks to Whitney for doing this for us and putting up with all of our crap. You've really been a great friend to this blog.

And check back soon and often because we have a few Birdemic related items to throw your way. Why? Becaue it's time to break the silence, like that masked magician from that Fox show. And it's always great fun. Thanks again, Whit.

Yes indeed.

A Blogger Wake Up Call

We here at Lazlo's Closet try to steer clear of all things gossip and trash. But this affects all bloggers and well, quite frankly proves that there is a fine line between sarcasm and hell, just plain mean.

A former Vogue model Liskula Cohen, 36, sued Google to learn the identity of a blogger who posted pics of her at a club and made crude comments about them on the blog "Skanks in NYC" such as “How old is this skank? 40 something?” … “She’s a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank.” If you're in the public eye, should you not care what people say and write about you? Maybe, but she did and well - she also won. New York Supreme Court Judge Madden ordered the identify the anonymous blogger to be revealed, which then Google (which hosts this blog, hundreds of thousands of other blogs and the blog in question) turned over to Cohen.

“The protection of the right to communicate anonymously must be balanced against the need to assure that those persons who choose to abuse the opportunities presented by this medium can be made to answer for such transgressions,” Judge Madden said.

Apparently, Cohen plans to sue the blogger, who turned out to be a female acquaintance she knows, but not a close friend. Her attorney stated that he and his client are “happy that the court recognizes that the Internet is not a place where people can freely defame people.”

The blogger’s attorney, Anne Salisbury, contends that her client’s defense is based on the Bill of Rights. “These words are not actionable,” Salisbury said. “They were not nice, they were insulting, offensive to some. That does not mean that the law provides redress for these insults. So the defense is really, this is free speech.”

According to CBS News legal analyst Lisa Bloom, the ruling should be a “wake-up call” to bloggers. While this is a definite win for Cohen, it also opens the door for the 350,000 other bloggers who will now use this story as a springboard to go out of their way in finding many, different and interesting ways to legally refer to Liskula Cohen as a "skank".

I'm not saying it's right, it's just the reality.

-portions of this post taken from the AP and www.bittenandbound.com and thanks to them.

The "Kinda Late But Still Wicked Cool" Lazlo's Closet Exclusive...

nuff said

Giddy I tell ya...

Well people, I'm not at all embarrassed to admit to anyone reading this - that I am (as the title implies) giddy. Like stereotypical Japanese schoolgirl giddy or the opening day 10:30am screening of Gremlins, Tron or Baby! Secret of the Lost Legend giddy....

And the reason I'm giddy is that I will be reviewing a film that has potential to bring joy to mankind the world over. And a film that I've been waiting to review for a very, very long time. A film, that at one time I would've given my right arm to see...again. But since time has passed, I can only assume that the arm thing will no longer be necessary. So what film is this? What film had me considering lopping off an appendage in exchange for an evening of uninhibited ecstasy with this film? Well, I can't tell you that because it would ruin the surprise, but I will give you a real quick hint.

Blamo!

Ah ha. Well, there it is. And just for the record, I don't know what IntroVision is, but this film apparently used the fuck out of it - thus deeming it credit worthy. But regardless, this review may be the greatest review of a film in the history of cinema. I'm just warning all of you. AND I'm also fully aware that there's no way I can ever live up to that ridiculous prediction, but care not do I, Oh my Brothers. Because this flick is the cat's fucking meow. Also, we'll have some more Selenium Apocalypse reviews plus (if everything goes according to plan), something involving Lorenzo Lamas. Can I get a Booya!?

So check back soon and often, because my review of this film will be up real soon. Please. Or this will happen to Steven Baldwin's face again.

And that's just not fair.

The Hurt Locker (Selenium Apocalypse)

The Hurt Locker
starring Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty
directed by Kathryn Bigelow






Mel Gibson shot through the stratosphere of true stardom after he made Lethal Weapon. Gibson’s take on Sgt. Martin Riggs was spot on perfect. Riggs was a great cop that always got his guy no matter what he had to do to get him. He constantly bucked the system and put his own safety in jeopardy to bring the bad guys down. Riggs was a chain smoking, crazy son of a bitch that you didn’t want to cross. Let’s face it people. No one does crazy or revenge better than Mel. Look at the love that my fellow Lazlo brethren have thrown the way of Riggs. He won the cage match against Swayze’s Dalton from Road House. I loved Mel and I forever love the character of Riggs. So, this weekend I decide to go see this movie that the critics are raving about. It’s called The Hurt Locker. I went in expecting to see a movie about war and came out getting so much more out of it. This is the second best film of the year slightly behind MOON.

Jeremy Renner. Remember this man’s name. Renner plays Staff Sgt. William James. He is the guy that you call to defuse bombs in war-ridden Iraq. This is the job that no one wants; yet James loves his job. He is part of a three man team that are sent out to investigate sites all around when patrols find something suspicious. James’ supporting crew is made up of Sgt. J.T. Sanborn (played by Anthony Mackie) and Specialist Owen Eldridge (played by Brian Geraghty). It is their job to suit James up in the bomb protection gear and cover him while James goes to investigate the potential threat. Sanborn is strictly “by the book”. He automatically clashes with James’ approach to the job. James does very little “by the book”. He goes into these intense situations with reckless abandon. Those bombs are his “bad guys” and he will stop at nothing until all of the bombs are defused. To do a job like this you have to be a little crazy. He puts himself into these situations where it is his ass on the line and he seems to get off on it. Starting to sound familiar. The character of William James is the closest character I’ve seen come close to Gibson’s Martin Riggs. Renner plays James as a chain smoking, heavy metal listening, potential psycho, who is anxious to get his next fix of adrenaline. Renner’s performance is outstanding and very worthy of an Oscar nod for Best Actor. I could also see Anthony Mackie pull down a Best Supporting Actor nod for his strong performance as Sanborn.

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Kathryn Bigelow directed a war movie. The words Bigelow and Oscar don’t mix very well. She directed Point Break for fuck's sake. I went in doubting her ability to pull this off. I figured that she would go the gimmick way with the shaky hand held style that is so en vogue these days. I’m not a fan of that at all. I want to see what is going on. Bigelow did the exact opposite. She gets right in on Renner’s face and eyes so that you can see every bead of sweat falling off of his brow as he working with the bombs. Then she cuts to wide shots of the buildings surrounding the bombsite to add to the intensity. Every person watching from above is a potential threat. This is followed by a shot of supporting crew as they are trying to keep a handle on the situation from afar. This was so effective and so much appreciated. Every bomb scene was so stressful to watch. You are literally on the edge of your seat waiting for something awful to go down. Bigelow well deserves any accolades she gets from this film.

I can’t emphasize enough how great this film is. It’s in a limited release right now. But, I advise all of you to look for it. Renner’s performance is worth the price of admission alone. Bigelow definitely called in some favors for this film from some of her actor friends. This movie is showered with cameo performances. Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse, and Evangeline Lilly all make small appearances and make their mark with the small amount of time that they have. Wow, I would never have thought that my two favorite films of the year would come out in the summer.

P.S. – I have fallen slightly behind in my reviewing duties due to other obligations that I have. However, you can look forward to reviews of 500 Days Of Summer and Funny People. Also on the horizon, we have GI Joe, District 9, and Inglorious Basterds. Stay tuned!

_ Rick

SYFY Channel Original Movie Monday: DRAGONQUEST

Capping off a Saturday evening with a SYFY original movie is sadly becoming a bit of a tradition in my home. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good low budget movie with a predictable premise (this is no secret, and please make note that I used the word "good" in there) some of those movies have what genre fans lovingly referred to as an "MST3K factor" referring of course to Mystery Science Theater 3000 which basically means "this movie is great to watch with friends and make fun of." This also means you may need to drink heavily to get through said film thus making the experience that much more enjoyable.
That being said, I don't think Dragon Quest was anywhere near the "Good low budget" category. The kindest thing I could say is that the film would be worthy of an all out assault by Joel/ Mike and the Bots.
Dragonquest is directed by Mark Atkins who you may not know from his cinematography work on such direct to DVD fodder as War Of The Worlds 2 starring C. Thomas Howell, 30,000 Leagues Under The Sea starring Lorenzo Lamas and (my favorite) Snakes On A Train starring no one in particular...anyway...
Arkadi (Daniel Bonjour) is the reluctant hero of our epic tale. He may only have one expression, but he has a magic shirt, a shirt of ever-changing! This has nothing to do with the story but I'm guessing either the editor of this film took the short bus to work every day or they lost the original shirt sometime during the shoot and just went with whatever spare shirts they found on set because this guy had what looked like three rotating shirts that appeared and disappeared throughout the production.

I decided on the tan shirt for the quest, what do you think?

A white short sleeve shirt, which suddenly changed to a tan long sleeve shirt, and then changed again to a red-ish shirt with a collar... not to harp on the subject of shirts, but in the tavern scene the tags of the re-appearing white shit are poking out from behind our heroes neck during one of his "I don't know if I can do this" speeches. (Size M 50% Polyester )
Arkadi is destined to stop the evil wizard Kirill (Brian Thompson) from summoning the dragon of darkness by finding the seven stones of the virtues and placing them in a real nifty amulet.

He is aided on his quest by Knight of the Brotherhood Maxim (Marc Singer) who's supporting character is a cross between Mickey from Rocky and Popeye, with a froggy voice and hobble in his step Maxim acts as Arkadi's conscience reminding him of the seven virtues the chosen one must follow to be able to find the stones and prepare for the fight of his life. He drops some major wisdom along the way as well.

"We are always weakest when we feel strongest. and your lucky numbers are 5 and 17."

Our bland shirt changing hero is also accompanied by Warrior Princess lite Katya (Jennifer Dorogi) who's character follows the current fantasy film mantra, "women Kick a whole lot more ass than all the men combined in the film" but her make-up is still good and thick and she even sleeps in her leather head band.

By the penciled eyebrows of Athena, I swear vengence!

So the quest begins and our heroes begin the search for the seven stones. Here is a capsulation of what happens during the quest for the stones.
Stone #1 PATIENCE: May have been the most confusing one to follow, as the characters approach a large swamp Maxim prepares Arkadi for what is to come as they stop near a body of stagnant water. The stone is somewhere in the lake and Arkadi prepares to dive in to find a stone the size of a 2 karat diamond (at night btw). Before he can dip his big toe in the water he is swallowed whole by a giant serpent. While in the belly of the beast he smacks two stones together but is spit back out by the serpent before anything can happen. As he stands on the edge of the lake (still with the same dazed look he's had since scene one) He is swallowed again by the giant snake so out come the rocks and he strikes them against each other creating a pathetically small spark (I was assuming the entire time he was trying to start a fire to help free himself) He is spit out by the serpent yet again. As Maxim looks to Arkadi as if to say "WELL?" Arkadi sits and lights up a hash pipe and takes a couple of tokes. The serpent re-emerges and swallows Arkadi AGAIN. Before exhaling he notices a glint somewhere in the giant snake stomach, and the first stone is found! I am assuming that stone was about patience...only because Marc Singer said it was, I don't see how that encounter had anything to do with patience except for my sitting through it.
Stone#2 CHASTITY: was about being chaste and respectful as he refuses the advances of a hot babe in a bubble bath...whatever sissy. The funny thing is after he took the stone he didn't even say "thank you".
Stone#3 DILEGANCE : For helping a captive escape from the dungeon of some warlord Arkadi is given the next stone and a box of gold. upon opening the box and seeing the riches within he exclaims "Now I can buy two..." TWO OF WHAT? that's going to haunt me for weeks...

Hey with this gold I could buy two...

Stone#4 I HAVE NO IDEA: This stone was found in a dark cave with a giant CGI Spider which did nothing but walk slowly past our hero who's plan was to stand very still allowing the spider to pass. Looking down he finds the next stone embedded in a helmet. Bravery?
Stone #5 CHARITY: Our heroes find a bum on the beach and give him the box of gold he received from the prisoner a few scenes ago. In exchange the bum gives Arkadi the next stone. Good thing he wasn't near a pawn shop.
Stone #6 KINDNESS: After Marc Singer is killed (OOPS SPOILER ALERT) his remains are brought to who we can only assume is his wife. She gives Arkadi the stone for honoring her fallen husband...Be at rest Beastmaster your part in this is over collect your paycheck and go home.
Stone #7 AGAIN, NO IDEA because I don't remember the seventh stone even being mentioned. He just kind of went after the bad guy at this point.
So after all this work Arkadi faces off with the black hooded wizard Kirill who quickly snatched up the amulet of power and tossed it over a cliff. Luckily for our hero Maxim's last words were "The power of the virtues are not in the stones...They are in YOU." I was floored... So after the most BORING climactic battle EVER which was for the most part a staring contest TO THE DEATH! Arkadi summons the dragon of light to combat Kirill's dragon of darkness...Blah-dee Blah-dee Blah, the end.
So in conclusion I think that unless you have the following qualities: Purity, Self Control, Generosity, Persistence, Peace, Satisfaction, and Bravery you will not emerge from the bowels of this movie unscathed if viewed in it's entirerty So we at Lazlo's Closet are going to give you the final moments of Dragonquest to enjoy with as little damage to your soul as possible.Good luck!

Lazlo Gives Back

I know many people are struggling with the decision on whether or not to actively seek out the 2007 Swedish film Du levande. The film, translated as You, the Living, was directed by Songs from the Second Floor director Roy Andersson and has yet to find an American audience with a Region 1 DVD release. It's a tough call, one that I completely understand as I've been toiling with this same decision myself for some time now. So as we all have the same difficult choice ahead of us, I have posted the opening of this film to aid everyone still teetering on the fence. I hope this was as helpful to you as it was to me.

And no, that wasn't a real dog.

Dear Torchwood (A Very Special Tuesday Guest Post)

The following is a review/commentary on the all around melt-in-your-mouth goodness that is the television show Torchwood. It is also written by friend of Lazlo, fellow blogger and wordsmith extraordinaire Goddessdster.

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I love Torchwood like I love eighties-era Bon Jovi, without shame or guilt, but with the knowledge that only other fans truly understand. This Dr. Who spin-off series exploded onto BBC3 three years ago and quickly gained popularity for its sassy, sexy delivery of campy sci-fi. This past week, BBCAmerica premiered the long-awaited third series of this sometimes giggle inducing, sometimes exciting show with the superior Torchwood: Children of Earth.

Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police.
Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race.
The 21st Century is when everything changes --
and Torchwood is ready.

To enjoy Torchwood is to understand the appeal that is Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman). Captain Jack is an immortal, 51st Century, former time-traveling con artist, and the irreverent, saucy, sexy, charismatic head of the Torchwood Three branch of a special-ops group that investigates and contains extraterrestrial incursions in the UK. Barrowman's Captain Jack isn't the most accomplished actor on the small screen. He plays best when approaching material that requires tough bravado or flirtatious devil-may-care leadership. Scenes which require more depth, such as rage or grief, feel flat. The viewer cares little, though, because Barrowman's charisma transcends his two-dimensional acting ability.

Children of Earth may be difficult to follow at first for the newbie. The characters at the start of this series have just suffered the devastating loss of two of their team members and aren't acting like their usual selves. I've been told the Welsh accent is tough for the uninitiated. Character nuances, that fans are aware of, may be lost on the unfamiliar. But that shouldn't stop anyone from watching. Because this installment, originally aired as a five-night miniseries, reminded me of the best of The X-Files, Millenium, and Heroes (when it was good), and I believe it is still approachable even if the characters aren't known to you.

Series creator, Russell T. Davies, took the usual Torchwood formula of Threat--Team Response--Team in Peril--Captain Jack Gets Killed--Captain Jack Comes Back to Life--Team Bickers--Team Works Together for the Greater Good--Threat is Removed/Delayed/Lessened--Team Hug, and threw it on its arse by introducing a mysterious new alien enemy that puts the whole world in peril. Team Torchwood is unable to respond as they normally do because they are in the dark as much as anyone else. Also, they are under attack by their own government in order to protect knowledge of evil deeds from the past.

This series broke my heart and kicked my ass over five nights of tense expectancy and it delivered. New, fully three-dimensional characters are introduced with such subtle depth that they are actual players in what is happening, not just cardboard cut-outs to keep the plot moving (I would like to bring particular attention to the work of Peter Capaldi as John Frobisher - government flunky and patsy in the events at hand). We also get to know the surviving members of the team better. Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles), who is Jack's "Everywoman," may not be as babelicious as Chuck's Sarah Walker, but she kicks infinitely more ass, and makes us care about what is happening. Her husband Rhys (Kai Owen) finds himself uncomfortably in the middle of these events, a place he is usually happy to leave to Gwen. And Ianto Jones (Gareth David-Lloyd), the former "coffee boy," has in recent months found himself in a position of more importance, both in Torchwood and Jack's heart.

Yes, Jack always wears the coat and Ianto always wears a suit, why do you ask?

Each night's succeeding layer upon layer of complexity and drama left me literally swallowing my heart as I awaited new installments. I left work every day excited and nervous the same way I used to get about Battlestar Galactica. I yearned for an easy solution as the situation worsened. And the lesson here - if you want to take a lesson from it - is that there are no easy solutions to fucked-up situations of our own making. Hard choices have to be made along with sacrifices. There will be loss. There will be heartbreak. There will be twists and turns and an ending I could never foresee, during which I was sitting on the edge of my sofa, hands clutched, thinking, "Holy shit. Holy shit," in stunned silence as the credits rolled.

This was one of the best weeks of television I have watched in a long time, and though it surprises me the source was a show I watched mainly for its escapist qualities, I was certainly not disappointed to find simply quality. Do yourselves a favor and just try it when it comes out on DVD. Get to know what thoughtful, intelligent Sci-Fi can be when told from the perspective of a show that never took itself too seriously.

Torchwood: Children of Earth will be released on DVD on Tuesday, July 28.

Goddessdster writes on livejournal, where her opinions, musings and thoughts pop in cyber-magically on a daily basis. The author appears courtesy of, well...herself. Thanks again, D and as always, be careful of Fenster. He has the ability to flip ya'.